


Two Of A Kind

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Panic Attacks, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, F/M, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Growing Up, Happy Ending, Healing, Homophobia, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Love, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Siblings, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Sacrificing Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24872941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: A story of key moments in Alec’s life, from his childhood till he marries Magnus, as seen through Jace’s eyes, told as a series of "missing scenes" from the TV show, relating to the parabatai bond and brotherhood between Jace and Alec.Jace is almost 10 years old when he arrives to live with the Lightwoods. At first Jace thinks he has arrived in Paradise; everyone quickly worships him and thinks he’s amazing. Life is easy. However, Jace starts to discover the darkness behind the facade as he get to know Alec better. Despite his father’s lessons about the dangers of love Jace begins to truly care for Alec and start to find ways to help him, only to discover the bond he shares with Alec will save him too.A story of surviving abuse, healing and learning to love.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 216
Kudos: 1106





	1. Behind The Facade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace meet Alec for the first time and notices a few things about him based on his interactions with his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Thanks so much to Ragina Danica for the great story banner.  
> Chapter warnings: Referenced child abuse and indications of an eating disorder and other self harming behaviour.

_Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings_

# Chapter 1: Behind The Facade

Jace was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was his first day living with the Lightwoods and so far, everything was just too…easy. Maryse and Robert had greeted him, calm and polite, and had shown him his room, next door to their oldest son, Alec. They had offered him food which he had agreed to; he remembered all his father’s lessons and one should always take what was offered and so he did. He had asked about their home and them; his father had told him information was power. He was charming and he quickly won them over; his father would have been proud.

Jace knew he had truly won over Robert and Maryse when they had seen him fight later that day and he had shown his precision and skills in both hand to hand combat, blades and knives at the Institute training room. It was after that he had met Alec who had been practicing with his bow nearby. The Lightwood boy was older than him but Jace felt like he was younger in many ways. He was almost 12 and was a bit taller than he was. However, Alec was thin and without any real muscle mass which was unusual for a Shadowhunter his age as he was old enough to start going on hunts. He was also easily distracted and had almost shot Jace with an arrow by mistake when he had entered the training area, he was in. Jace had a feeling Alec could do much better at hitting his targets but whenever people were around, he got nervous, his palms got sweaty and he did poorly and missed the bullseye almost every time. However, just before they finished to go to dinner Jace saw him hit dead center several times, when Alec thought he was alone.

Jace had never met a Shadowhunter as old as Alec who was so insecure and shy. However, Jace decided it worked to his advantage; he would easily shine in the Lightwoods’ eyes in comparison. There was no doubt his skills were far superior to Alec’s even though he was a few weeks shy of his 10th birthday and thus significantly younger than him. He had thought maybe Alec would be envious of his skills, but Alec had shown obvious admiration from the get-go; another thing that worked to Jace’s advantage. Jace concluded he would do well here. He remembered all his father’s lessons and he had the upper hand. This was going to be smooth sailing.

Things turned out to be a bit more complicated when Jace had his first family dinner with Maryse, Robert, Alec, Izzy (whom he met briefly before the dinner) and the youngest Lightwood, Max, who Jace guessed was around four. Jace used the dinner to get more information on his new family and their dynamics. He had already noticed the difference between how the siblings interacted with Robert and Maryse. Alec always stood at parade rest when addressing them, his hands clasped behind his back. Izzy did not do that but had her hands by her sides. Max seemed to do almost whatever he wanted and got overbearing smiles and looks. Max was so young he was the easiest person in the family to read; he was clearly loved by all and had everyone smiling.

To see where his own limits were, expecting to be punished if he overstepped, Jace had followed Izzy’s example. Robert and Maryse seemed more than fine with that so Jace planned to keep taking an informal approach to them. Jace knew from his father’s lessons that it was vital to never give any control to another person if you didn’t have to.

“I saw your practice today, Alec,” Robert commented when they started eating.

Alec stiffened and the fork he had been about to bring to his lips paused. He put it back on his plate.

“Yes, father?” Alec asked a bit hesitantly, looking cautiously at him.

“You barely hit any of the targets,” Robert said disapprovingly.

“This is why you are not going on any hunts. You are old enough by now,” Maryse said disappointed.

“Y…Ye…yes, mother,” Alec got out, ducking his head and blushing, stammering as he spoke.

Jace followed the exchange, trying to understand the power dynamics going on. His father had taught him it was important to know and understand such things and he had learned all his lessons very well. He in particular noticed that Alec only seemed to stammer when he was nervous which he seemed to be a lot around his parents.

“Stop doing that, Alec!” Maryse rebuked sharply with an annoyed glare. “No one can obey a leader who doesn’t even have words in his power. If you can’t speak then stay silent.”

“Ye..yes, mother,” Alec replied softly, stammering even more in his nervousness, looking down, spinning his fork around on his plate but not eating anything any longer.

“Your mother and I were against you picking the bow as your weapon of choice but we saw your difficulties with the other weapons so we thought at least this weapon would be possible for you to master. If you can’t even do that…” Robert continued sharply.

Jace could hear a clear warning in Robert’s voice but was unsure what the hidden warning could refer to.

“Y…Yes, fa…father,” Alec almost whispered, his stutter even worse now.

“And for the love of the Angel speak properly!” Robert said annoyed, glaring angrily at Alec.

Izzy gave her brother a sympathetic look across the table.

“So…I hit all my targets with my whip today,” Izzy told her dad, clearly trying to get the attention away from Alec.

“Well done, princess,” Robert said warmly, his whole expression softening when he looked at his only daughter.

Alec seemed relieved the attention was off him and kept playing with his food, pushing it around on his plate, still not eating.

“Well, if you could just stick with paying attention to your work and not get distracted by boys, clothes and other such nonsense we would all appreciate it,” Maryse told her pointedly.

Izzy looked sad for a second but then just glared angrily at her mother.

“Well, everyone else seem fine with my level of commitment!” Izzy said sharply.

“Lay off her, Maryse. She is just fooling around. She’s allowed a bit of fun,” Robert defended her, smiling at Izzy who smiled happily back.

Maryse seemed annoyed for a second and about to argue but then forced a smile as she looked at Jace.

“You did well at training, Jace. You are far advanced for your years,” Maryse complimented him warmly.

“Thank you,” Jace replied, keeping his tone even but adding a smile to charm her.

Jace cast a look at Robert and Izzy, aware he was being used as a counterweight to Robert’s praising of Izzy. He then looked at Alec who was still looking down, absentmindedly playing with his fork and still not eating anything.

Jace was puzzled; it was like Alec had taken all his father’s teachings and turned them on their head. He screamed weakness. He was letting everyone see that their words hurt him. Worse was that he was punishing himself; his father had told him plainly enough one should always keep up their strength; should always be strong. Alec should ignore them and eat his food. Why was he letting them all see it affected him and even worse; he was weakening his body which was another lesson his father had taught him. To be a good warrior your body had to be in the best shape possible.

Jace knew he should resent Alec for his weakness; it would be what his father would do. No, his father would try and beat the weakness out of him but then the more he was learning about Robert and Maryse the more he was sure they had tried that approach already. Jace was just left puzzled as to why they hadn’t succeeded. His father had given him this lesson early on and he had listened and learned it well. Why hadn’t Alec? How could this even still be an issue for him at his age? He should have learned to close off his emotions long ago. Jace really wanted to resent him as his father had taught him but he found himself strangely sympathetic to the older boy who didn’t act like any Shadowhunter his age aught to do. He felt a sudden desire to try and teach him how to close off his emotions, to protect himself better. Alec was making himself a target with so openly showing his pain. His father had taught him how the weak would always fall; how the weak were preyed upon. Alec would end up broken if he kept this up. Why couldn’t he see that?

“Maybe you can give Alec some pointers. Angel knows he needs all the help he can get,” Maryse added with a disappointed look at Alec.

Alec blushed and kept his eyes lowered, still playing with his food.

“Sure. Of course,” Jace agreed, still smiling charmingly at her.

“Good,” Maryse said, smiling back, clearly happy with the response.

Izzy then spoke of someone they all knew who Jace didn’t know so he returned to observing and learning about everyone at the table as he finished eating. Alec spent the rest of the meal looking down, his body tense, playing with his food but not taking another bite. Jace was very puzzled. He didn’t get the boy at all; didn’t understand how he could show everyone they were hurting him, that he was hurting. Jace also knew what his father had told him to do when encountering such weakness as what he saw in Alec; exploit it. Yet Jace wasn’t sure there was much to exploit; Alec already admired him and seemed more than willing to help him and do whatever he wanted freely and willingly. What a very strange boy.

Jace noticed the clear sigh of relief Alec let out when the meal ended; he still hadn’t eaten anything since that first question from his father. In fact, Jace estimated he had barely had more than a few bites of his meal. Izzy rose from the table and after permission from her mother took Max to his room to play with him. Maryse then left to do something, explaining that the staff would clear the table.

“Alexander, come to my office in an hour. We need to have a talk about your performance at training today. We can’t keep overlooking such obvious weakness. You should already be on patrol and on patrol such weakness would get you killed in a heartbeat,” Robert said sternly as he rose from the table.

Alec stiffened even more as he rose from the table as well. Jace noticed Alec’s hands formed fists by his side and he avoided looking at his father as he answered.

“Yes, Sir.”

Jace watched Robert leave, going to his office before looking at Alec. The older boy stood tense and stiff, watching his father leave. He suddenly had a bad feeling. He recognized those signs. When he had still been a boy his father would beat him if he failed in his training; he had learned his lesson well and had quickly improved. When he had gotten his first rune when he had been eight years old his father had never punished him with his fists again. His father had kept demanding more and more from him but Jace had learned his lessons and he had managed to keep up since then.

Jace shook his head to clear it of those dark images. Alec was almost 12; it would be unusual for his parents to still use corporal punishments. It was usual in Idris to do that with children, but Nephilim were considered adults, old enough to start to be considered for patrols after their first rune. It was common to start active combat around 11 or 12 years old. Jace assumed Alec was not on active patrol yet only due to his perceived poor skills. However, from what Jace could tell Alec was a natural archer. He was just way too insecure to show that in front of others.

“Want to show me to my room?” Jace asked Alec, feeling a need to distract him for the next hour.

Alec smiled and his hands relaxed.

“Of course. Come with me,” Alec said and guided him upstairs to see his room.

“So…you’re an archer?” Jace asked to say something when they were in his new room.

“Not really,” Alec said softly as he sat at the end of Jace’s bed and looked down at his hands in his lap, sounding defeated and sad.

“I saw you today,” Jace protested as he sat down next to him.

“I didn’t hit anything,” Alec said with clear self-disgust and frustration in his voice.

Jace was unsure why he felt the need to try and comfort the older boy, but he was awaking his protective instructs that he had fought so hard to bury. The last time he had tried to protect someone it had been his pet falcon and his father had killed it to prove to him that attachments and love were weaknesses. He shouldn’t get attached to this boy, in particular not a boy who was the clear embodiment of what his father had told him was weak. But he couldn’t help it; Alec was so openly vulnerable. He had never seen anyone show that so clearly before.

“You did. When you thought no one was looking. I saw you. You were great,” Jace told him, smiling encouraging at him.

“You saw that?” Alec asked surprised, lifting his head to look at him.

Jace nodded as he added, “Yes. You were good.”

Alec blushed and shrugged, clearly not believing him.

“Doesn’t matter. I always freeze when I have to show someone,” Alec admitted, again sounding upset and resigned.

“I can help you practice if you want,” Jace offered.

“Ok,” Alec agreed, a bit hesitant as if he had gotten that offer a lot without any effect.

“You just need to believe more in yourself,” Jace told him, having no doubt Alec was in fact a very skilled warrior; he just needed to believe it.

“Yeah,” Alec said noncommittal, looking away as he added under his breath, “Not very likely to happen.”

Jace was unsure what to say to that. Nephilim parents and instructors were not known for teaching with kindness and encouragement but instead with harsh words and even harder fists. Jace was starting to admire one thing about Alec; he clearly had learned how to take a hit by now. Well, if Alec needed some encouragement, some kind words to do better…. he guessed he could do that. He also made a mental note to pay attention to Alec’s eating patterns; if he was to become the warrior Jace was sure he could be he really needed to start eating properly and gain muscle mass.

Jace told himself he was thinking about these things because it would be useful for him if Alec was a better fighter. It wouldn’t do to be associated with weakness. He tried to tell himself he had good reasons, reasons his father would approve of, to want to help Alec but in the back of his mind he was aware he just wanted to try and shield the older boy from further pain. Alec was clearly on a tipping point. He needed to show he had the skills for patrol soon or things would truly escalate out of control for him because what use was a warrior if he could not be sent into battle?

“Your room is next door?” Jace asked, nodding to the right where he knew Alec’s room was, saying it mainly to say something and get the conversation on to other topics.

“Yes. Just let me know if you need anything,” Alec quickly offered.

Jace was again taken back by how easily the older boy offered up himself. It was against everything his father had taught him. Why was he doing it? Didn’t Alec understand he was exposing himself? That he was making it easy for others to exploit him? The boy clearly needed his help to learn how to guard himself and his feelings.

“Thanks,” Jace said with a charming smile that had Alec instinctively smile back.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few seconds.

“Do you…” Alec began but then stopped, hesitating. “Do you want to talk about your dad?”

Jace shrugged, tensing a bit at the question, “Not really.”

Alec nodded but then couldn’t help but ask softly, “Do you miss him a lot?”

Jace reflected on that. Did he? He had been all the family he had known but he hadn’t really been a very warm and fuzzy father to put it mildly. But then either were the Lightwoods; at least not towards Alec.

“Not really,” Jace admitted honestly. “He wasn’t precisely….warm.”

Alec nodded in understanding and put a comforting hand on his arm.

“I understand. I am here if you want to talk,” Alec offered.

“Thanks,” Jace said, unsure if that would ever happen as he had been taught that feelings and therefore also talking about them were signs of weakness.

They talked about small things, mostly training related as they both had done little else in their lives up till now other than train. When the hour was almost up Alec got more and more nervous and Jace’s bad feeling returned but he fought it down. He was just projecting his own childhood on Alec. He had to give the Lightwoods a chance and they had been very nice to him. When Alec left him to go see his father he walked away as ominously as if he was meeting the Grim Reaper.

Jace didn’t think he would see Alec again before the next morning until he was being shaken awake in the middle of the night.

“Jace! Jace, wake up, please!” Alec begged, his voice filled with concern and care.

“What?” Jace got out, blinking awake to see Alec sit by his bedside in a lose shirt and boxers, having clearly rushed in here from his own room. He was looking nervously at him, biting his lower lip.

“Why are you in my room?” Jace asked him surprised.

“You were having a nightmare. You were yelling,” Alec told him, removing his hand from his arm now that he was awake, but he was still looking worried at him.

“Oh,” Jace said embarrassed, sitting up in bed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Alec quickly said. Alec paused before adding in a soft and hesitant tone, “Do you want to talk about it? It might help.”

“Not really,” Jace replied, running a hand through his hair and forcing his breathing back under control. What a horrible weak image he was giving Alec on his first night here.

“Max and Izzy sometimes have nightmares too,” Alec told him. He was thoughtful for a few moments before he added, “It helps them if I stay in their room. Shall I stay?”

Jace looked surprised at him; who was this boy that he was so dead set on helping him? He couldn’t deny the offer moved him and he really wanted to say yes, but he couldn’t.

“I’m fine,” Jace said stiffly, not able to admit to such weakness.

Alec’s expression closed and he nodded. Jace suddenly felt like he had kicked a puppy. Alec rose but then seemed to reconsider and returned to sit by his bedside.

“Would you mind if I stayed anyway?” Alec asked softly, his expression open and vulnerable once again. He quickly added with a faint blush Jace didn’t get as he said, “I will sleep on the floor.”

“But…” Jace began to protest, about to remind him he wasn’t weak and didn’t need him.

“For my sake. I would feel better if I slept here,” Alec insisted

Jace just stared at him. Love is weakness. His father had made that clear to him. Alec was everything his father had taught him was weak. How had this boy survived emotionally acting like this at his age?

“Fine. If it helps you,” Jace reluctantly agreed, unable to offer more than that, to show more weakness than that at this point.

Alec seemed more than happy with his reply, smiling like a sun at him.

“Thank you,” Alec said warmly and impulsively hugged him.

Before Jace knew what he was doing he was hugging him back. Jace got even more confused when Alec suddenly seemed to stiffen when he tightened his arms around him and when he pulled away there was a brief look of pain in his eyes. Jace looked suspiciously at the older boy; was he hiding an injury? However, Alec quickly covered up his mistake as he smiled at him before he rose from the bed.

“I’ll…. just get some stuff I need to be able to sleep here,” Alec got out and went to his room.

Jace sighed, confused by this weird boy. He rose and went to his closet to get extra bedding for the floor for Alec. He was well underway preparing a sleeping place on the floor when he suddenly heard voices in the hallway.

“What is going on here? What was that screaming?” Maryse was complaining.

Jace stiffened, mentally preparing himself for some kind of consequence. He should have added a silence rune before going to bed; damnit.

“Sorry, mother. It was me,” Alec replied, his voice calm but with a hint of nervousness.

Jace was confused; why was Alec covering for him?

“See it doesn’t happen again. I told you this last time it happened; you are too old for this nonsense, Alec,” Maryse said sharply.

“Ye…yes, mother,” Alec stuttered, his voice soft.

Jace filled away the new information that Alec also had nightmares in the back of his mind; needing to understand Alec better to figure out what that meant. His father had taught him well the value of having information that could be used against someone else and this could be useful for that. He also noticed Alec’s stutter was back. He had a theory that if he could teach Alec to lock up his feelings then his stutter would also lessen significantly.

“Go to bed. We can talk about it in the morning,” Maryse ordered and Jace heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway.

A little later Alec reappeared in the doorway, looking a bit pale, biting his lower lip in a move Jace had quickly discovered he did whenever he was nervous.

“You ok?” Jace asked, unsure what to make of the exchange between Alec and his mother.

Jace didn’t recall his mother at all. He had imagined a mother to be warm and caring. A beautiful dream. It was hard for him to think ill of Maryse as she was so kind to him, so supportive. It was everything he had always wanted in a mother. However, he was well aware that Alec saw a very different side to her.

Alec forced a smile as he nodded, “Yes, of course.”

Jace could tell he was lying, that he was pretending to be fine when really he wasn’t. He was a bit proud of Alec for doing that; at least the older boy had some sense of self-preservation.

“I found extra bedding,” Jace told him and pointed to the floor where he had laid it out.

Alec blushed in embarrassment as he clearly realized he had returned empty-handed to Jace’s room after having left to get whatever he felt he needed to be able to sleep in Jace’s room.

“Oh, ok. Yes, I had been about to get some,” Alec admitted sheepishly.

“You can take the bed,” Jace offered, unsure why he offered that. His father had told him to exploit and use all advantages available to him; a bed was an advantage. He shouldn’t offer it to anyone unless doing so would serve him better.

“No, no. You have had a horrible day with just coming here and stuff. The floor is fine for me,” Alec insisted, shaking his head to emphasize his words.

Jace was again reminded of his father’s lessons; he was offered something, and Alec should take it. Since Alec did not seem to understand that Jace decided to do what he felt he should have done from the beginning; follow the rules his father had taught him.

“Ok, thanks,” Jace said as he crawled back into his bed.

Alec turned off the lights and laid down on the floor on the bedding there, next to Jace’s side of the bed.

“Goodnight, Jace,” Alec said softly into the darkened room.

“Goodnight, Alec,” Jace replied and found he did indeed feel much calmer now that Alec was here with him.

For a short while Jace was tossing and turning, not liking that Alec was on the floor. He kept reminding himself of his father’s lessons; this was the order of things. The strong would always rule the weak. Alec had brought this on himself. However, he couldn’t make that nagging feeling go away, that need to protect and care for the older boy. Finally, he sighed as he gave up fighting himself.

“Just come share the bed with me. The floor is cold; it’s silly for you to stay down there,” Jace offered with a bit of annoyance in his tone at his own weakness for making the offer.

“Are you sure?” Alec asked with more hesitation then Jace felt his offer warranted.

“Get up here,” Jace insisted, putting command into his tone.

He was surprised when Alec was quick to obey his order; he guessed Alec was used to orders and unlike him who would test the limits Alec seemed to always try and follow his orders, to do his best.

Alec was careful to keep his distance in the bed and they turned so they were facing in opposite directions.

“Thanks for letting me sleep here,” Alec said softly.

Jace would have shook his head if he could. What an odd boy; Alec had come in here to help him and he was thanking him?!

“Goodnight, Alec,” Jace said and couldn’t quite keep a hint of fond amusement out of his tone.

“Goodnight, Jace,” Alec replied. He was quiet for a few seconds before he added in a low but warm tone, “I’m happy you’re here.”

“I’m happy I’m here too,” Jace confessed, his words soft and echoing in the quiet room.

Both boys fell asleep with a smile on their lips, feeling better and less alone for the first time in as long as they could remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have wishes for things you would like to see happen then write a comment and I will add it if I can make it fit the story.  
> If you are enjoying the story then I would love to hear from you. Kudos is also always loved ;)


	2. Emotions Are A Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is bullied and has a panic attack. Jace talk to Alec about controlling his emotions and how to get the bullies off his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Referenced self-harm, referenced eating disorder, referenced child abuse. Bullying, homophobic insults, bully gets hit, panic attack, internalized homophobia.

_Please read chapter notes for chapter warnings_

# Chapter 2: Emotions Are A Distraction

The next day Jace went with Alec to one of the training rooms. When they were alone Alec again missed the bullseye but as Jace simply kept up his strong conviction Alec could hit straight center then, after a few hours, it seemed like his conviction reached Alec, finally. And then he hit the target. Alec’s smile at his victory was contagious, making Jace smile too. After that Alec hit the target every time. A few missed dead centers, but after a few hours of training they almost all hit straight as well. Alec’s look of admiration that Jace had helped him do this, talking as if this was all Jace’s achievement…Jace mentally shook his head although he had to admit he leaped at the admiration and praise Alec so generously bestowed on him, but never on himself.

Just when they decided to stop for lunch Alec asked if Jace had ever practiced with a bow. He said no but still asked to borrow Alec’s. Jace knew he would hit dead center because he never missed. It was like he had a special power inside and when he really wanted to do something, he got that extra strength or endurance or whatever he needed to win. Alec’s look of awe and adoration made Jace feel larger than life. It was weird how with his father he had barely had time to breathe between doing one task well before he had to focus on the next one. Here in Idris with the Lightwoods even the most difficult tasks they had asked him to do he had easily completed in what they considered record time.

At lunch they went to the Academy canteen. Jace thought Alec would eat this time since he hadn’t really had any dinner and not much breakfast either which Jace thought had been due to his parents being there which had made him nervous again as his mother had brought up his supposed disturbance the night before with great disappointment in her tone. Now though Alec talked animatedly and was clearly excited he had hit his targets with someone else in the room, looking at Jace like he could walk on water. Jace had to admit he could certainly get used to this kind for worship that Alec was bestowing on him. He was starting to notice his skills drew admiration from all which was useful, but he found that with Alec it was more than the admiration being useful. He truly liked it when Alec admired him. Maybe because the tall shiny boy was growing on him. A bit.

Izzy came over to say hi during lunch before she returned to her own crowd. Jace had observed her; she was certainly the Queen bee among her many friends but her smiles with them often seemed faked, like a performance. A clear contract to her real and warm smiles towards her brothers. Jace admired that about her. She was learning how to use people. That would be useful later in life. Alec on the other hand didn’t seem to have the same skills as his sister when it came to social interactions.

Jace had quickly realized he was Alec’s only friend and he frankly did not feel he could even be called that yet considering how short a time they had known each other. Alec had asked if he wanted to sit at one of the other tables during lunch; clearly expecting him to leave him to eat lunch alone to avoid the stigma of associating with him. Jace had several offers to join other tables for lunch as the rumor of his amazing skills had already spread, making him very popular. However, he declined them all with a smile and a joke. Alec had almost beamed with joy and wonder when Jace had sat with him for lunch. Jace was again left to wonder how the older boy survived on a daily basis with so many emotions so clearly on display in all his actions and expressions. It had to be horrible to be that vulnerable. Case in point when a few boys Alec’s age whispered just loud enough, on purpose of course, for Alec and Jace to hear when they passed them by about Alec’s by now well-known inability to hit the targets yesterday. Idris gossip; the fastest way to spread any news. To Jace’s never-ending frustration their words had Alec go pale and hung his head in embarrassment as he stopped eating, proceeding to simply fiddle with his food.

After lunch Jace suggested they practiced with angel blades. Though Alec’s weapon of choice was the bow he needed hand to hand combat skills too. They had been practicing for a while with Jace easily leading the fight. Jace would never even consider going easy on Alec although in hindsight maybe he should have. They were not alone in the training room and several others were noticing them. Jace thought they were just admiring his skills and had smirked arrogantly each time he beat Alec. He had to hand it to the older boy; he took defeat well. He just got back up on his feet and continued. He had to admire that.

“Hey, Alec! Do you ever hit **anything**?” An older boy yelled at him when Jace again blocked Alec’s attack and knocked him to his feet.

“There’s a reason he picked the bow; he can’t handle blades,” one of his friends added gleefully, coming to stand next to him, looking at Jace and Alec.

“The Angel Blade is a true Shadowhunter weapon but wait; you’re not one, are you?” the first boy sneered.

Jace relaxed his stance and walked over to Alec, seeing how tense he was but he was purposely ignoring the taunts. He gave him a hand up and pulled Alec to his feet.

“Why don’t you go over there and hit one of them in the face repeatedly till they bleed?” Jace whispered darkly to Alec, so low the two boys couldn’t hear.

“What would come of that?” Alec asked in a defeated tone.

“They will see you’re not weak,” Jace pointed out, giving Alec a look that said it was obvious.

“Hitting them won’t make it stop, Jace,” Alec said softly, his eyes agonized as he lowered the blade to his side. “It never stops,” Alec added pained.

“Of course it will! Just go hit them!” Jace insisted, nodding towards the two boys.

“Let it go, Jace,” Alec insisted, his voice sounding tired and worn out.

“Fine. Whatever,” Jace said annoyed, shaking his head at him. If Alec didn’t want to save himself why should he bother?

Jace walked away from him, retaking his position from before, rising his blade to continue the fight.

“At least your sister is half decent with that whip of hers,” one of the boys pointed out just as Alec had retaken his own fighting stance.

Alec froze, tensing but refusing to look at them.

“Yeah. A shame she keeps such poor company,” the other boy remarked with a disgusted tone.

 **That** made Alec finally look at them.

“What are you talking about?” Alec asked angrily.

“Didn’t you know? Everyone knows of her fascination with Downworlders. How she always wants to see the ones who come here for diplomatic visits or the Warlocks who help with the wards,” the boy explained, contempt in his tone for that fact.

“So what?” Alec asked tensely, giving them both warning looks.

“One could doubt her commitment. Her loyalty,” the other boy remarked with a hint of a threat.

Alec was in front of them both in a few quick strikes and waved the angel blade he was still holding threateningly at them.

“Don’t you **dare** talk about my sister that way!” Alec thundered.

One of the boys laughed as he commented dryly, “Puppy has bite after all.”

“What of it? What you gonna do?” the other boy challenged, looking from the raised blade to Alec. He gave a cruel smile as he added, “Faggot?”

Alec went pale at the insult and his hand on his blade was shaking slightly.

“Wh…. what did you say?” Alec got out, his voice a low mumble, fighting to keep the stutter and the shaking out of his tone.

Jace rolled his eyes in annoyance at Alec. Seriously; why was he even listening to this bullshit?! Hit them till they were a bloody pulp and they would never bother him again!

“Oh, cat got your tongue,” the second boy taunted.

“I think he likes that nickname, don’t you? Faggot,” The other said cruelly.

For a moment Jace feared Alec might cry and feverishly hoped he would not be that stupid. His lips were trembling, his hand holding the blade was unsteady. At this point Jace was almost ready to hope Alec stabbed one of them; just a little. However, instead he dropped the blade on the floor with a loud sound and fled from the room. The two boys laughed, and their voices echoed in the room and seemed to increase the speed of Alec’s retreat.

Jace told himself Alec had brought this upon himself. He should have listened to him. However, after a few seconds he gave up pretending he did not want to go check on Alec. He tried to tell himself it was simply because it wouldn’t do to lose the oldest child of the family he was living with.

Jace walked over and picked up Alec’s discarded blade. The two boys stopped laughing and just eyed him with a worried look. Jace deactivated the blades and put both into his holsters by his hips.

“What? No comments for me?” Jace challenged them, his eyes seeming to hold an almost golden edge for a moment.

One of the boys put his hands up in front of him in a gesture of peace and surrender as he assured him, “No. Of course not. After the display when you arrived it’s clear you are destined to become the best warrior in Idris.”

Jace took out his knife, enjoying the look of panic and fear on both their faces. He waved his knife threateningly at them both as he warned, “Remember that.”

The boy who had spoken sank and nodded. When Jace looked at the other boy he quickly nodded too. Satisfied the boys knew their place with him Jace put his knife away and walked out of the training room after Alec. With no way of finding him Jace tried to think where he might go; somewhere he could be alone. There was only one such place, the roof of the building. Sure enough; when Jace went out onto the roof he easily found Alec. He was sitting in a corner, his legs up to his chest and his hands around them. He looked vulnerable and lost. Jace felt a surge of protectiveness he tried to fight. Alec looked up with a panicked look when he heard Jace come towards him.

“No, no, no,” Alec mumbled quietly pained, looking away when Jace went closer.

Jace knelt next to him and eyed him. He wasn’t physically hurt but he was trembling and breathing fast. If he didn’t know better Jace would have said he was in the middle of a battle except he was not.

“Alec? What’s up?” Jace asked as casually as he could, ignoring what looked suspiciously like tear trails on Alec’s cheeks.

“No, no,” Alec repeated, his breathing coming in quicker and quicker gasps.

“Hey. You ok?” Jace asked, allowing a hint of concern to enter his voice.

Jace placed a hand on Alec’s knee but Alec pulled his knee away as if burned, making Jace give him a curious look.

“I... I…. it’s not true!” Alec got out, fighting for breath.

“What is not true?” Jace asked confused but then recognition hit him. He smiled encouraging as he said, “Oh, the faggot part? Of course not!”

Alec got even paler at Jace’s words, gasping for air.

“I can’t breathe,” Alec got out, his voice sounding weak.

Confused Jace asked, “Is this like a medical condition? Shall I get a doctor?”

Alec quickly shook his head, his panic seeming to increase at the very thought as he managed to get out, “No…. No!”

Unsure what to do Jace sat down next to Alec, his back also against the wall.

“Ok. I will just sit here and guard you then,” Jace decided. “Try and slow your breathing,” he advised.

Unsure what else to do but thinking if this was not a medical issue Alec likely did not want anyone to know of his weakness, Jace stared straight ahead, just sitting there but not looking at him, giving him time.

“I’m…I’m better now,” Alec said softly after a few moments, sounding tired and exhausted but his breathing had finally returned to normal.

Jace looked at him, nodding approval as he asked, “What happened?”

“I’m not sure,” Alec admitted with a faint blush. “It happens sometimes when things get…. too much.”

“Too much?” Jace asked, raising an eyebrow questioning at him. “From words?”

Alec blushed even further and looked away, nodding.

“Yes,” Alec admitted in a small voice.

“Why don’t you just ignore it?” Jace asked with real bewilderment in his tone.

“I…can’t,” Alec admitted, shame at that fact clear in his voice.

Jace debated what to do. Alec was everything his father had taught him was weak and it was clear people in Idris had noticed too. He had two options; he could either cut Alec off or help him toughen up. A part of him liked the boy, he admired the way he just took hit after hit and went back for more. He had the backbone to do this. With that in mind Jace had made up his mind.

“Ok, if you still want me to help you get better you need to learn two important lessons then,” Jace warned.

“Yes?” Alec encouraged, hanging eagerly on his every word.

“Emotions are a distraction,” Jace told him firmly with clear conviction.

“Emotions are a distraction?” Alec repeated confused.

Jace nodded, “Yes.” He paused as he added, “Look at what happened today. When they insulted you by indicating you were gay, they got you to react and that was what they wanted. They won this round.”

Alec paled at hearing the implication he was gay once again and looked away as he admitted in a low voice, “I know. I was…weak.”

Jace could not really dispute that as that was precisely how he had been taught weakness was defined.

“Put your emotions aside and do what you need to do to gain the upper hand, any way you can,” Jace advised, his voice strong and hard.

Alec bit his lower lip nervously but nodded, listening intensely to these lessons just as well as he had done with the archery lesson.

“What’s lesson two?” Alec asked.

“To love is to destroy,” Jace told him darkly, remembering his father telling him that repeatedly.

“What does that mean?” Alec asked confused.

“It means what you love can be used against you,” Jace explained. He paused and pushed away the emotions, the feeling of pain as he admitted, “My father taught me this lesson by killing my pet falcon.”

Alec gasped in horror at the thought.

“Oh, no,” Alec said sympathetically and briefly touched Jace’s nearest thigh in comfort before quickly pulling back as if suddenly remembering something, blushing as he did so.

Jace was secretly happy with Alec’s show of comfort but didn’t show it.

“I learned my lesson,” Jace said matter of fact. He gave Alec a warning look as he added, “I learned all my lessons the first time and you need to learn this one **now**.”

“Learn it? How?” Alec asked.

“You reacted when they spoke of your sister,” Jace reminded him.

“She’s my sister!” Alec protested hotly.

“I know but now they will use that against you. Now they know she is your weakness,” Jace warned. “Your love for her will be your destruction.”

Alec was thoughtful for a moment but then shook his head resolutely.

“I…I can’t stop loving her,” Alec admitted, frankly. “Izzy, Max…and now you. I have nothing else.”

Jace was awed Alec so quickly included him on that list. This boy truly was everything Valentine believed was weak and yet there was a strength to Alec’s commitment to love that Jace had never seen before.

“Fine but then learn to hit back,” Jace said decisively, giving in on this one.

Alec nodded and gave Jace a hopeful look as he asked, “Will you help me with that?”

“I already offered so yes but you will have to do as I say,” Jace told him, frankly.

“Thank you,” Alec said happily and nodded eagerly. “I will listen.”

“Firstly, I will write down what you need to eat and how much,” Jace started to say.

“Why?” Alec asked confused.

“Because my father taught me how important it is to keep your body healthy if you want to become a good warrior. You are too thin and scrawny right now,” Jace said, frankly.

Alec blushed at that, looking at himself with a disgusted look. He sighed, biting his lower lip.

“I…I’ll try,” Alec then said.

“I’ve noticed you rarely eat at the dinner table or anywhere around people really,” Jace pointed out.

“You noticed that?” Alec asked surprised.

“Yes,” Jace confirmed. He gave Alec a searching look as he advised, “You again let your emotions related to your parents’ words or other people’s words affect you. You need to stop that.”

“I can’t just stop that,” Alec protested.

“Why not?” Jace asked, not getting why that should be that hard. “Just close it off till you one day don’t feel it.”

Alec gave him shocked look filled with hurt as he shook his head at him.

“Because I just cannot, ok?!” Alec snapped, fighting to control his emotions.

“Fine, fine,” Jace conceded, thinking. “Then make your meals and eat them before the meals with your parents. Then you can keep not eating when you are with them.”

“I…” Alec paused and looked away embarrassed. “I can’t eat alone,” Alec finished in a low voice, blushing furiously as he admitted it.

“What?!” Jace asked surprised. “Why the hell not?”

“I don’t know,” Alec admitted quietly, avoiding Jace’s eyes. “It’s just…”

“Just what?” Jace insisted when Alec’s voice died away.

Alec shook his head as he insisted, “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Likely not,” Jace admitted because he truly doubted he would´. He paused as he added, “but explain it anyway so I can make a training routine that considers those things for you. It is not more time training you need, or harder training. It is training in a way that gets you out of your head properly.”

Alec took a deep breath, fighting to find the right words. He hugged his legs tight again and bent his head towards his knees, closing his eyes for a few seconds.

“I can’t control anything, Jace. My life is spiraling out of control and I can’t control it,” Alec admitted in a soft and agonized tone, lifting his head, and looking at Jace.

“How does that relate to eating?” Jace asked, unable to see the connection.

“I can control **that** ,” Alec pointed out, searching Jace’s face for his reactions.

“The eating?” Jace asked, confused.

Alec nodded and looked away as he admitted, “Yes.”

“Then control it so you eat properly,” Jace advised matter of fact, not really getting why it was so hard.

Alec sighed as he admitted, “Jace, it’s not that simple.”

Jace was thoughtful for a moment, trying to understand.

“Is this…is this a punishment?” Jace asked slowly, looking intensely at Alec.

“A punishment?” Alec got out, blushing as he said it.

“Yes. For failing. Do you punish yourself in this way when you think you fail?” Jace asked.

Alec shrugged and looked away.

“I…don’t know. I never thought of it,” Alec admitted.

There was something flashing across Alec’s face, something else, something that made Alec connect his behavior to punishment. Jace decided he would have to explore that later.

“Maybe,” Alec admitted softly, looking away from him as he said it.

“So, you need rules,” Jace concluded.

“Why do you say that?” Alec asked confused, tensing a bit, unsure if that would be a good or a bad thing. Likely good he concluded because all soldiers had as a primary goal to obey orders.

“Are you comfortable with rules?” Jace asked.

Alec nodded, “Yes. Very.”

“Because then you know when you fuck up and when you do well, right?” Jace guessed.

“Yes,” Alec admitted.

“Ok. Then I will write in detail what you need to eat, when and what training you need doing. If you manage that during the day you will know you did well,” Jace suggested.

Alec nodded but then admitted sheepishly, “I still can’t eat alone.”

“I can keep you company,” Jace offered.

“You don’t have to,” Alec protested.

Jace shrugged as he said, “I don’t mind.”

“Ok,” Alec said decisively. “No emotions, eating and training. When do we start?”

“Today if you are up for it,” Jace suggested.

Alec nodded, strength and determination in his face as he said, “I am.”

Jace was thoughtful for a moment before he cautioned the other boy, unsure what level of training he was used to, “Alec, my father was a strict teacher and pushed me hard every day, but I became a great warrior. If you are to make up for lost time quickly you will have to work extremely hard.”

“I am fine with that,” Alec insisted.

“As in you will have to practice in all your breaks and you should cut your sleep down to four or five hours a night, tops. Use your stamina rune as needed,” Jace went on, wanting Alec to be aware of what he got in to.

“Ok. I can do that,” Alec promised, nodding.

“Good,” Jace said with a smile.

“Thank you for helping me,” Alec said seriously.

“Well, I am here anyway and besides…. I am a Lightwood by association, so I have to do something about this situation,” Jace said, trying to make light of this.

“Still, thank you,” Alec insisted.

Jace brushed off his gratitude with a hand wave.

“Now, we need to control these…” Jace started, hesitating, unsure what to call them, “breathing attacks or whatever they are that you just had.”

Alec blushed at hearing his panic attack mentioned, but knew Jace was right. He could never show anyone he could break down like this.

“Ok,” Alec agreed.

“What triggers them? Just strong negative emotions?” Jace guessed.

Alec nodded, “Yes.”

“Ok,” Jace said slowly, thoughtfully. “So, we will work on getting you to control your emotions both to prevent these attacks, but it should also help with your stutter.”

“My…stutter?” Alec asked surprised, almost stuttering at the embarrassment at hearing it mentioned by the other boy.

“Yes,” Jace said, nodding. “It comes when you are nervous and being nervous is a feeling.”

“Is there anything of me that doesn’t need fixing?” Alec said in a defeated voice.

Jace put an arm around his shoulders and gave him an encouraging squeeze.

“You are actually a really good archer. You just need to believe it. See it,” Jace assured him, unsure if Alec had wanted an answer but he was getting one anyway.

Alec nodded, clearly moved by Jace’s belief and faith in his skills, “Thank you.”

“You are a very unusual boy, Alec,” Jace admitted as he removed his arm from around Alec.

“How?” Alec asked, his voice and body tense.

“You are extremely sensitive for someone your age. I mean I have been observing your sister and while she still gets sad when your mum says something, she turns her sadness into anger. Do you ever do that?” Jace asked, giving him an intense look.

“At times,” Alec admitted, biting his lower lip again.

“Anger towards yourself or others?” Jace asked insightfully.

Alec looked away for a moment before he got to his feet.

“Let’s get back before anyone notices we are gone,” Alec insisted, his voice sounding calm and collected now.

Alec offered him a hand up which Jace took, letting him help him to his feet and change the topic. Jace admired Alec’s newfound commitment to controlling his emotions, but he could not help but eye him warily. His lack of response made it clear to Jace that Alec’s anger was towards himself because if it had been towards others he would not have minded saying so; in Idris that would just be considered normal. No, he had not answered because he knew he did what Nephilim were not meant to do and what would be considered weak. He turned his hatred inwards. The question was just how he did that? Jace was determined to figure that out, surprising even himself with how much he was starting to care; how much he wanted to protect this boy not only from others but from himself as well. He was starting to think the latter would be the biggest challenge.

When they entered the training room again Jace spotted the two boys from earlier. Alec tensed when he saw them.

“If one of them insults you again hit him in the face hard enough to break bones,” Jace advised darkly, ensuring his voice only reached Alec.

Alec nodded after a moment’s hesitation, doing his best to hide his worry and nervousness that they might insult him again.

“Back again so soon? You must enjoy lying on your back, faggot!” One of the boys spat at him and both boys laughed at the insult.

For a moment Alec tensed and he stopped, his eyes showing sadness, pain and hurt.

“Go on. Remember what we talked about. Emotions are a distraction,” Jace encouraged, nodding towards the laughing boys.

Alec got a determined look on his face and a mask fell over his features. Jace could have cheered when Alec walked towards the boys with the grace of a deadly predator, remaining where he was to watch, knowing Alec had to do this alone if it was to carry any weight. The boys looked condescendingly at Alec as he approached them, still laughing as he came closer. Without pause or even speaking Alec hit the boy who had just insulted him hard in the face. The boy’s head flew to the side and blood went everywhere as Alec broke his nose.

“What the fuck?! You crazy bastard!” The boy accused as he took his hands to his broken and bleeding nose.

Alec ignored him and walked away, a satisfied look in his eyes. No one laughed now; the room was deadly quiet. Jace snickered with satisfaction as he walked over to Alec.

“Well done! I knew you had it in you!” Jace praised.

Alec nodded, smiling faintly and blushing at the praise, fighting to keep his control over his emotions in place. They sparred for a bit more, both knowing that things had changed today.

However, only later would Jace reflect upon the fact that this day had also been the day Jace had taught Alec some of the very lessons of his father that Alec would spend the rest of his life proving to Jace were wrong. That love was life and not destruction. It would take quite a while for Jace to really believe it, but Alec was determined to prove that love and family was worthwhile with his daily affection and devotion, putting Jace’s needs above his own the way Alec always did with family.

_End of part 2_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Obviously Jace doesn't know Alec is gay at this point so he can't say it's ok for Alec to be gay. They will have that conversation after Alec comes out.  
> If you are enjoying the story then a comment and kudos would mean a lot to me (or just a kudos if you are shy). Thank you.


	3. Be My Parabatai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As years pass Jace begins to admire Alec but still struggle with unlearning Valentine’s teachings. When Jace discovers Alec’s punishments and his tendency to self-harm he decides that he can get everything he wants in one by asking Alec to be his parabatai; he can express concern and care for Alec in a ‘strong’ way – a way that doesn’t contradict his father’s teachings on love, weakness and power - while protecting Alec better from his worst enemy; himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Chapter warnings: Talk of corporeal punishments, referenced child abuse, referenced self-esteem issues, referenced/hints at internalized homophobia, self-harm as shown in season 1 and 2 for Alec, referenced underage drinking and clubbing for humans in some countries (since Nephilim go into battle before they are 12 or likely even younger and are said to die young I am assuming drinking is also at a younger age). Discrimination against Downworlders. Unwanted advances.

_**Please read chapter notes for chapter warnings** _

# Chapter 3: Be My Parabatai

Jace was amazed at how quickly Alec learned and adapted. There was this power inside of Jace which meant he could always win when they battled if he used it, activated it, but Alec had a fighting spirit, an iron will to never give up that Jace started to admire more and more.

Jace discovered he could win any fight; he was officially and by all proclaimed as the best warrior in Idris; of his generation. Jace couldn’t help but bask in the adoration and admiration. His father had always made high demands of him and when he fulfilled them the bar was raised. There had never been any praise for a job well done; just on to the next challenge. So he enjoyed the adoration and admiration he got now.

Alec improved quickly, using the techniques Jace taught him to control his feelings, and was able to perform expertly with his bow even in front of his parents. However, despite this his parents would keep praising him or Robert would marvel at Izzy while Alec was told to do better. Despite everything Jace taught him then his parents’ critique clearly still affected Alec. However, with time he simply stood there, standing at attention, and took it. He didn’t show any emotions, didn’t give anything away, he showed no reactions. Jace was proud of him for that and found he was slowly but surely starting to admire Alec for his resilience and adoptability. Above all though, Jace admitted him for his ability to show love to his siblings and to him even while learning to close himself off in public.

Jace had thought, expected, feared, that Alec’s concern and care for him would fade. That it was just a brief fascination with the new boy coming to live with him. However, as time passed Alec only got more protective of him, more kind. He ignored Jace’s attention to claim he was fine when he woke screaming from a nightmare and simply hugged him without saying a word. It was as if Alec knew what he deep down wanted, needed, even when Jace didn’t. with Alec’s kindness Jace soon stopped having nightmares. Jace had expected Alec would eventually use his nightmares, this show of weakness, against him. After all, his father had told him that to love as to destroy. That to show emotions was weakness. But Alec never pressured him to say words of affection back even when he said them to him. He never demanded he explained why he had nightmares or how he felt. He was just there for him, offering a hug. Jace had never met anyone like that before. So giving and so sacrificing.

When Jace turned 11 he asked to go on hunts with Alec and given his superior skills Robert and Maryse allowed it. Since then the two of them would go on hunts together. Soon after Izzy’s runing ceremony she would join them. Alec was very protective of them both but mostly Izzy when he saw that Jace was more than capable of handling himself.

Three go in; three come out. That was their motto. They had each other’s backs. Izzy learned to use her beauty and charm to get what she wanted, had many friends and was very popular. Jace himself had no shortage of people to hang out with or, when he got older, women who worshipped him. However, the truest interactions he ever had were with Alec.

As time passed Jace started to see Alec’s strength; so different from his own but very much there. His own strength was direct, strong, fierce, burning. Like a sun. Alec was like the moon; his strength was silent, quiet and calculated. If someone mentioned Jace’s father, the lack of power behind his family name…Alec was ready to butcher them then and there. If someone looked wrong at Izzy his gaze alone could kill. However, as protective as Alec was towards Jace and his siblings he still never stood up against his parents and never defied the orders of his instructors or superiors. Over time Jace realized the hypocrisy of it; Alec followed all the rules and still was punished and belittled. He broke any and all rules he didn’t care for and was praised as the best warrior of Idris.

Jace had helped Alec appear emotionless before his parents, instructors and strangers but Alec’s sensitive soul remained. As time passed Jace was starting to realize when he saw how easily Alec cared, how he loved…that was courage. A greater courage than he had ever had as he himself guarded his heart very closely.

As time passed Jace found he wanted, needed, to be in Alec’s special beam of attention. He had never had a mother and while Maryse admired his skills and was nice to him she was never motherly. But Alec was. Sometimes he would get into trouble on purpose and once he had even on purpose let an opponent cut his arm up with an Angel blade just to see Alec go absolutely berserk on the poor guy before he had ignored Jace’s weak protests and bandaged him up. Jace secretly loved that. He loved it when Alec took care of him and mothered him. He even loved his lectures about being careful; he had never before felt so loved.

As Jace had started to dare come more out from his own emotional bubble he had started to worry for Alec. He still hurt from what people whispered about him, his parents’ treatment and then of course the punishments. Jace had never had punishments since coming to live with the Lightwoods; the tasks he was given here were so laughably easy compared to what his father had demanded. However, he had heard Alec be told to expect punishment or show up for punishment, but he had never been present when it had happened. However, he wasn’t stupid – punishments in Idris were barely anything **but** physical. Idris was a warrior society and Nephilim parents believed beatings made their kids stronger. Jace wished he could do something to help Alec but knew he couldn’t; this was between parents and their children. So instead he did what he could which was to try and help Alec improve his skills so he would be punished less. However, as time passed Jace started to suspect he could basically teach Alec to fly and his parents would still not give him the love and attention the boy craved and rightfully deserved.

Jace had just turned 12 when he had first seen, really seen, the evidence of Alec’s punishments. He had had a nightmare which was rare these days. He had called for Alec, always comforted by his quiet way mothering and care-taking. However, Alec hadn’t come into his room as soon as he had called which was unusual. Normally Jace didn’t even need to call for him; Alec would have come into his room as soon as he heard him screaming.

Worried Jace had entered Alec’s room, knowing Alec had long ago made it so that Jace could enter even when he added locking runes. That had been when he had seen Alec’s punishment from the night before. Alec was lying on his stomach on his bed, a pained expression on his face. His back was crisscrossed with fine marks and lines, a few bleeding. Jace recognized the marks; from a cane or stick. Alec had protested weakly when Jace had sat beside him, claiming he was fine but Jace had hushed him. Jace had wanted to apply an iratze, but Alec had told him his mother hadn’t allowed till the following morning. It was part of his punishment to bear the marks till the morning; to suffer like a Mundane would. A punishment that was both painful and humiliating.

They hadn’t spoken after that, but for the first time Jace had mothered Alec, cleaned his wounds and bandaged his back as well as he could. He had more or less forced Alec to have a glass of whiskey from a bottle he had “borrowed” from Robert’s library and quickly put back to help him ease the pain. They hadn’t said a word to each other even as Jace had crawled into Alec’s bed and simply held him close, mindful of his wounds. At first Alec had been stiff as he laid in Jace’s embrace, almost afraid to even breathe. However, as Jace had stroked Alec’s hair tenderly Alec had eventually Alec relaxed, the tension leaving his body. At some point Jace had fallen asleep too. When Jace woke up early the next morning Alec had already left, leaving Jace feeling a bit like he had failed the older boy who had quickly become everything family was truly meant to be.

Jace had gone to his room and quickly dressed before he had gone searching for Alec, having a good idea where he would find him. Alec and him were very different. Alec believed he deserved the punishments he got. He believed it was fair and just. That he should be punished for failing. Jace had never believed that, not even when he as a child had been punished by his father. He had never believed he had earned it, that he had failed. That it was right. He had endured it, but he had never believed the fault laid with him. Alec did and that meant to Alec the worst part of punishments weren’t the physical pain but the emotional pain he bestowed upon himself afterwards.

As expected Jace had found Alec in the training room, beating a punching bag intensely. He was shirtless and had clearly been allowed to use iratzes now as his back seemed completely spotless. You had to get very close to see the fine lines from punishments and battles. The marvel of being a Shadowhunter; runes could hide almost any crime. Maybe that was why their world was so brutal; the evidence of it was so easy to hide.

Jace frowned when he saw Alec was sweating heavily, his knuckles bloodied. Jace had discovered that Alec would do this. As Alec had learned not to show and voice his feelings of sadness or inadequacy whenever he was punished or belittled by his parents, instructors or others he had started to take it out on himself. Jace had mainly seem him do it by not healing battle wounds or over training to the point of injuring himself. He wasn’t sure but he feared Alec might hurt himself in other ways too that were less obvious.

It was still early so they were alone in the training room, giving Jace the opportunity to try and speak with Alec about what had happened.

“Alec!” Jace called out as he came over to him, giving him a worried look.

“Go away, Jace,” Alec said shortly, not looking at him as he kept hitting the punching bag.

“Can we talk?” Jace asked seriously.

“No,” Alec said shortly, his lips a thin line as he kept punching the bag, sweat running down his face, betraying he had been at it for a while now.

“About what I saw….” Jace started to say, letting his worry shine through in his words now that it was just the two of them.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Alec said furiously, his cheeks heating with embarrassment and shame as he gave Jace a warning and angry look, continuing his punching.

Jace frowned in concern.

“Alec, will you stop that?!” Jace said frustrated, capturing his bloody fists in his hands by holding his wrists in a vice like grip.

Alec struggled a bit in Jace’s hold but Jace’s eyes flashed golden for a moment and Alec couldn’t free himself.

“What? Why?” Alec asked annoyed, fighting to get his breathing under control.

Jace took a deep breath as he admitted, “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine!” Alec protested hotly, trying to free himself once more, pulling harshly back but Jace’s grip was unmoving.

“They still punish you and you hurt yourself,” Jace pointed out, worry in his voice, holding up one of Alec’s bruised and bloodied hands before his face as proof of his statement.

“Jace,” Alec protested, blushing an even darker red, looking away. After a few seconds of pause he added quietly, “I know you think I’m weak. That this makes me weak.”

“No. No, it doesn’t!” Jace protested strongly.

Alec turned back to look at him, giving him a disbelieving look.

“Of course, it does! Everyone would think so,” Alec insisted, self-hatred clear in his voice.

“Well, I am not everyone,” Jace insisted strongly.

“You would never do this,” Alec pointed out.

Jace paused, hesitating, debating what to say but then decided to be honest.

“No, but I have learned over time that you do a lot of things I won’t do. Not because you are weak, but because you are strong. Stronger than me,” Jace said softly, his eyes intense.

Alec blushed but this time with warmth and pride at the words.

He looked away as he said weakly, “Jace, you can’t possibly understand.”

“Maybe not but Alec, please let me help you,” Jace pleaded.

“You can’t,” Alec said softly, sounding pained.

“I can! I swear I can!” Jace insisted firmly, nodding to emphasize his words.

Alec turned back to look at Jace and gave him a sad smile.

“No. No, you really can’t,” Alec repeated, sounded stronger but very regretful and lost. He looked meaningfully at the hold Jace still had on his wrists as he said, “Release me.”

“Alec, don’t shut me out. Please,” Jace pleaded.

Jace knew he sounded desperate but was uncaring as this was Alec. His Alec; family. In his life he had cared for very few beings, but Alec had quickly become very important to him and he was starting to realize Alec was his new falcon no matter if he had wanted him to be or not. He didn’t want him to hurt. He wanted to see him safe.

“I can’t do this, Jace. Please leave me alone,” Alec asked anguished.

Jace let go of his wrists with a miserable expression.

“Alec…” Jace tired again as Alec turned his attention back to the punching bag.

“Please go, Jace,” Alec said, sounder stronger now, his emotions more under control.

Jace watched as Alec resumed hitting the punching bag. He didn’t like that Alec had been hurt so badly last night, and likely many other nights, and he hadn’t known about it. He didn’t like that. There had to be a way to know when Alec was hurt so he could at least care for him as he had done last night; give a little back from all the caring Alec always gave him so generously. A safe way; a way that would ensure Alec would not meant the same fate his beloved falcon had met when his father had killed it to prove to him that to love was to destroy. There had to be safe way to love someone; a way that didn’t lead to ruin.

“Ok, ok,” Jace said softly, giving Alec one last worried look before he turned and left.

As he left, Jace started to think about what he could do. He knew he needed Alec; his very presence was calming to him. It gave him strength. He needed his care and his love. He also worried for him; worried that he could and would hide injuries and even hurt himself and Jace wouldn’t know about it. His father would have told him that loving Alec was dangerous, but surely it was only dangerous if Alec might betray him. And he wouldn’t. But he could lose him to his worst enemy; himself. There had to be a way to keep Alec safe and keep him near the way Jace needed him to be. A safe way; a way to love without destruction.

Three years later, when Jace was 15, a solution had formed fully in his mind when he realized his answer to all his questions was simple; make Alec his parabatai. That way Alec was unlikely to ever betray him, as long as Alec kept the bond open he would always know if he was safe and above all then Alec would always be with him. They would never be parted. His own father had told Jace he had once had a parabatai, so it had to be a safe way to love someone; something that didn’t lead to destruction. The more Jace thought about it the more he felt it was perfect in every way. A love that was safe, a love that wouldn’t destroy for it couldn’t. They would be soul bound forever. More than blood, more than family. Sharing one soul. It was perfect! Now he just needed to convince Alec of that.

***********************

“Come on! Come to the club with Izzy and me,” Jace pleaded, standing next to Alec’s desk in his room, ignoring the fact that Alec was trying to read a book.

“No,” Alec said shortly, trying to keep reading.

Jace snatched the book up, forcing Alec to look at him. Jace grinned charmingly in a way few people could resist.

“Come on. For me?” Jace begged, doing his best puppy dog expression with his eyes.

Alec started to grin back almost instinctively sharing in Jace’s joy. Then he stopped himself as he rose and snatched the book back from Jace.

“No. You know I hate clubbing,” Alec reminded him.

“You hate all things fun,” Jace complained.

“Just things involving people that aren’t Max, Izzy or you,” Alec said frankly.

“I could get into trouble you know? Could be bad,” Jace insisted, nodding to emphasize his words.

Alec rolled his eyes at him as he said, “You will be fine.”

Jace signed in annoyance as he complained good-natured, “When I taught you to control your feelings, I didn't mean no fun at all. Not even with me.”

“Emotions are a distraction,” Alec said with conviction.

“I hate when you quote me against me,” Jace objected.

“You were right,” Alec insisted.

“Come on. Come to the party,” Jace pleaded, giving Alec his most pleading look and most charming smile, a combination he knew Alec normally couldn’t resist.

Again, Alec started to smile back but then stopped himself, his gaze turning pained as he got out, “I can’t.”

“Why not? Let loose a bit,” Jace encouraged with a wink.

Alec shook his head and turned his back on him as he repeated, “I can’t.” He paused before he added quietly, “You don’t understand the thoughts I get.”

Jace was silent for a moment before he admitted softly, darkly, “I think I do. I get those thoughts too.”

Alec turned around to face him, his expression hopeful.

“Really?”

Jace nodded grimly as he said, “Yes.” He paused before he elaborated with a dangerous look in his eyes, “Like that moment when you mentally evaluate all the ways you can kill a man.”

Alec’s expression fell and he fought to hide his disappointment as he got out, “Oh.”

“Was that not what you meant?” Jace asked puzzled, pausing before he elaborated, “That hidden shame of darkness, of violence?”

Alec seemed to pull himself together and gave a small nod of his head, his eyes cloudy as he agreed, “Yes. Hidden shame.”

They were both silent for a moment, lost in dark thoughts but for completely different reasons, Jace not knowing Alec was talking about his attempts to hide his sexuality.

“So, you will come to the party?” Jace insisted, forcing the darkness away with a flashy smile.

Alec shook his head at Jace’s persistence, chasing away his own darkness as he gave in, “Fine!”

“Yes!” Jace said happily. He winked at Alec as he promised, “You won’t regret this.”

Alec put the book on the table, groaning inwardly as he said under his breath, “I already am.”

Izzy and Jace had both dressed for clubbing; Alec had just worn the same black and grey outfit he would normally wear. The went to a local club that was known to frequent to both Mundanes and Shadow World citizens. Izzy spotted some friends and went to talk to them while Jace steered Alec towards the bar to get a drink; Alec normally never drank so it was Jace’s mission in life to try and get him to try.

As they got closer to the bar, they saw a Seelie woman being cornered by four young male Shadowhunters. Jace and Alec recognized them; they were all a part of the Elite and from prominent families. She was beautiful like all Seelies, but her body language and expression made it clear she wasn’t interested in the Nephilim who had crowded her.

“I said no!” The Seelie woman said strongly, shaking off one of the Nephilim’s hands as he tried to put it on her shoulder.

“Stop playing coy. Everyone knows Seelies sleep around,” one of the Nephilim said with a leer.

Jace and Alec shared a look of contempt for the Nephilim’s behavior. Jace almost sighed when he saw the predicable anger on Alec’s face. Alec always did have a soft spot for lost causes and the underdogs. Well, he certainly didn’t mind playing the hero to a damsel in distress but he was quite certain the Seelie wasn’t as defenseless as her fragile beauty would indicate and didn’t really need their help. However, he could tell Alec was determined to offer it none the less which meant Jace was going to get right in there with him. Two against four; a bit unfair for the four Nephilim, Jace thought with dark amusement, looking forward to kicking their asses.

“Get lost!” The woman spat.

“You know you want it,” another of the Nephilim said with what he likely thought was a charming smile.

The Seelie woman snorted, “Hardly!”

“In the dark we can almost forget you are only **half** angel-blooded,” One of the other Nephilim promised.

“So charming,” The Seelie said darkly. She tried to push past them as she added, “Now move.”

One of the Nephilim blocked her with an arm as he said seductively, “But you don’t really mean that.”

Before the Seelie woman could do something that could create a lot of trouble with the Accords being what they were – which meant biased against her as a Downworlder – Jace and Alec reached the group.

“Guys, the lady said no,” Jace said strongly, giving the four Nephilim a warning look.

One of the Nephilim gave Jace an annoyed look at being interrupted. He looked Jace up and down and his drunken state gave him false courage as he said, “You might be Idris’ greatest warrior but who are you really? A son of a nobody!”

Jace just gave him a dark look, completely unfazed by the attempted insult to his parentage. Nephilim from the Elite was often like that; Alec and his siblings being the rare exceptions.

“Samuel, don’t!” his friend warned, eyeing Jace warily, clearly not quite as drunk as the other one and thus less stupid.

“No, I mean why should I listen to you? Do you know who I am? Who **my** father is?” Samuel snared, arrogance making his eyes light up.

“We can compare family trees later. For now you do so because I said so,” Alec said strongly. He turned to look at the Seelie woman and his expression softened. He offered her his hand and she took it after a moment of hesitation.

Alec pulled her gently towards him, a kind look on his face as he said, “Apologies for this.”

She smiled at him before releasing his hand as she said, “They should apologize and not you, beautiful.”

Alec blushed at the compliment, making the Seelie woman laugh. She winked at Alec, touching his arm warmly as she said, “Find me on the dance floor later. I can show you how grateful I am for your help.”

“No need. I just did what anyone would do,” Alec insisted, flushing an even brighter pink.

She gave him a searching look, her smile now genuine as she said, “I guess once in an immortal life I was bound to meet a Nephilim actually worth meeting.”

Alec simply smiled at that, unsure what to say, as the Seelie left for the dance floor.

“See what you did, Lightwood?” One of the Nephilim protested annoyed, waving towards the Seelie as she walked away.

“You might be a Lightwood but you’re just an archer! Never forget that!” Another of the Nephilim warned, clearly feeling humiliated and taking a stab at him any way he could.

“Yes,” Alec said darkly, well aware that using weapons like the bow was considered less worthy than close combat weapons as he had heard those insults his entire life, “But my sister is not and she’s also here.”

Alec nodded towards her and smirked when he saw the Nephilim go pale.

“Isabelle? Fuck!” One of the Nephilim said, a clear hint of worry in his eyes.

Izzy’s skills were legendary as was her zero tolerance and no nonsense towards men taking liberties with women.

“Yes. Fuck indeed,” Jace said darkly, his eyes dangerous.

“How come you never hang with any of us, Lightwood? Your sister has plenty of people she hangs with; Jace as well. You only ever talk to Jace and your siblings. What’s up with that?” One of the Nephilim asked to defuse the tension.

“I have a low tolerance for idiocy,” Alec said icily.

“What does that mean?” The Shadowhunter asked confused. Then he seemed to realize precisely what that meant, and his expression darkened.

The Shadowhunter raised a fist towards Alec as he yelled, “Why you little freak! Do you…!”

“I wouldn’t be doing that if I were you,” Jace warned, catching the man’s fist in his palm and giving him a dark look.

“Why? You’ll beat us up?” the Shadowhunter challenged, fighting to free his fist and Jace let him.

Jace shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest as he said with dark amusement, having complete faith in Alec’s skills against these drunken idiots as he had trained him for years after all, “I was more thinking of standing here and watching Alec beat you up.”

The four Nephilim looked at each other, clearly unsure what to do or say.

“Get lost,” Alec ordered sharply, and the four Nephilim hurried to obey.

“Well done!” Jace complimented, grinning as he watched the Nephilim run off.

Alec shrugged as he said, “Nothing to it. I didn’t earn my last name and as you can see it rarely does anything but cause me trouble.”

After ordering two drinks, certain Alec would likely only fiddle with his, Jace found them a booth. When Jace sat across from Alec he gave him a searching look.

“Alec, can I ask you something?” Jace asked, looking seriously at the older boy.

Alec nodded but seemed a bit guarded at the seriousness in Jace’s tone, “Sure.”

Jace took a deep breath, discovering he was nervous. He was never nervous. But then he rarely asked as life-changing questions as the one he was about to ask now.

“How do you feel about being parabatai?” Jace asked softly.

Alec looked confused at him, having clearly not expected the question.

“Hmm….well, good I guess,” Alec got out, giving Jace a puzzled look.

“You guess?” Jace asked, raising an eyebrow questioning at him.

Alec realized Jace meant it seriously, so he paused, reflecting. He had thought about it before; almost all Nephilim did so he knew by heart how he felt about it.

“Ok, what I mean is it sounds amazing. To never be alone. To have someone always with you. The other part of your soul. Sounds calming and….nice,” Alec said softly, longingly.

Jace nodded, pleased with the answer. He took a sip of his drink, playing nervously with his glass, making Alec look questioning at him. Jace couldn’t blame Alec for being confused; he was never nervous, and he certainly never showed it.

“I was wondering…” Jace started to say, his voice and eyes hopeful, but then stopped, fighting to find the right words for this important question.

“Yes?” Alec prompted when Jace’s voice died away.

There was a long pause as Jace gathered his courage, suddenly afraid of rejection, afraid of the vulnerability he was showing.

“Would you consider becoming my parabatai?” Jace asked all at once.

“Yours?” Alec asked shocked.

“Yes,” Jace said and nodded, worry and hurt in his eyes, thinking Alec was shocked at even thinking the thought of being parabatai to him.

“But…you are the best warrior in Idris! You don’t need the power boost of the parabatai bond,” Alec protested, sounding confused. He paused before he asked suspiciously, “Are you doing it for me?”

“No, no,” Jace insisted. He hesitated before he said, “I am doing it for me to be honest.”

“For you?” Alec repeated, giving him a look filled with disbelief.

“Yes,” Jace insisted. He was silent for a moment, trying to express his feelings in words, finding it hard as he so rarely did that. Thankfully with the parabatai bond he wouldn’t really need to do that ever again with Alec, “You have taught me to feel, to love.”

“To love?” Alec repeated, a hint of hope in his voice.

Jace nodded seriously as he replied, “You are my brother, my family. Your presence makes the darkness I feel inside manageable. You can soothe me as no one can.”

Alec sank, happiness and sadness in his expression as he asked, “Really?”

“Yes. I want you to be my parabatai. You already are half my soul in so many ways,” Jace insisted, unsure why his words had also made Alec sad, unaware Alec had developed feelings for him.

“You told me to love is to destroy,” Alec reminded him.

Jace shrugged as he said, “I still think it mostly is, but you told me that for us, me and you, for us and Izzy…us and Max…it’s not true. That we can make exceptions.”

“Exceptions?” Alec repeated hopefully.

“Yes,” Jace said, pausing, fighting to say what he wanted. He gave Alec a serious but warm look as he went on, “Alec, I admire you. You are strong and sure, you might have become better at hiding your feelings, but they are still there, and I have come to realize that that is true strength, true courage.”

“It is?” Alec asked with disbelief.

Jace nodded as he said, “Yes.” He hesitated before he said honestly, “I want you to share my soul and for me to share yours so I will never be alone again and neither will you. You will give me strength in the areas I need it and I will give you strength in the areas you need, forever linked.”

“Forever linked,” Alec repeated, smiling at the thought.

“Will you accept?” Jace asked eagerly, hanging on his next words as if his life depended on it because in a way it did.

“Because you see me as a brother?” Alec asked to clarify, his gaze intense.

“Yes, because I see you as a brother, as family. I love you as my brother and the other part of my soul even if you say no to being my parabatai,” Jace insisted, giving Alec a fond look.

Alec was thoughtful for a moment, joy and pain, happiness and despair on his face. Then Alec looked at him, his expression soft and warm.

“Ok,” Alec said with a fond smile.

“OK?” Jace asked joyfully.

“Yes, ok,” Alec repeated, smiling joyfully. “I would love to be your….parabatai.”

“Great!” Jace said jubilantly. He winked at Alec, making the older boy laugh heartfelt as he added, “You won’t regret this!”

* * * *

The parabatai binding ceremony was performed a few weeks later. It was draining and painful but completely worth it. When they felt a bit stronger Alec and Jace spent a few hours just resting, laying on the grass outside, the day sunny and the weather mild, watching the clouds drift by, smiling, getting used to feeling each other, to having a part of each others’ souls.

“I feel you, Alec. Inside. In my soul,” Jace said in wonder, turning from watching the clouds to looking at the raven-haired boy lying next to him.

“I feel you too,” Alec said in wonder and joy.

“It’s calming. Nice. Like a warm blanket on my soul,” Jace said slowly, trying to explain it.

“A blanket?!” Alec asked amused with a hint of offence at being compared to a blanket.

“Yes,” Jace confirmed, grinning, feeling already how the darkness in his soul was being chased away by Alec’s love and light. “I like it.”

“Oh, ok. I guess I can be a blanket then,” Alec said with a fond smile.

“Do you?” Jace asked. “Like it I mean?” He added when he saw Alec’s puzzled expression.

Alec nodded.

“I do. You give me strength and courage. Like a shield,” Alec said thoughtfully, trying to explain what he felt.

“I can feel your hands still ache for example, like phantom pain,” Jace said with worry after a moment of silence, referencing Alec’s overtraining from the day before.

“I will learn to close the bond better,” Alec promised seriously.

“Maybe try talking to me instead and if you really need to do this…I swear I will let you,” Jace asked softly, looking intensely at him.

Alec blushed but nodded shortly as he promised, “Ok, fine.”

Jace nodded back, knowing it was the best he would get. He was calmed by knowing Alec would now never be in danger without him knowing about it.

“Thank you for being my parabatai, my brother. I love you, Alec. Always,” Jace said after a few moments of silence, his voice soft and warm, looking at the clouds as he spoke.

However, he didn’t need to look at Alec because as he sent his feelings of love and affection through the bond, Jace felt Alec responding in kind. Jace smiled inwardly when waves of affection and love reached him from Alec. This was perfect. He could show Alec how much he cared for him without ever having to say it, ever having to appear ‘weak’. He could just send his feelings through the bond. He didn’t have to be afraid this love would destroy Alec or himself. He had found a way to break his father’s curse.

Alec gave him a brief warm look before he also watched the clouds pass overhead, an awed expression on his face as he felt the depth of Jace’s affections for him through the bond.

“I love you too, Jace. Parabatai, brother. Always,” Alec replied with equal fondness.

They laid like that, side by side, for a while, knowing everything had changed now. They were truly one, bound together for life. Parabatai and brothers forever.

_End of part 3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next important milestone in Alec's life; when Clary and then Magnus enters his life and everything that follows from that! ;)  
> If you have any requests for milestones in Alec's life you would want to see told from Jace's perspective let me know and I will add a chapter on that if I can find a plotbunny for it :)
> 
> If you enjoyed the story please leave a comment and a kudos (or just a kudos). Would mean a lot to me.


	4. You’re Fine As You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec talk after Alec kissed Magnus at the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Chapter warnings: Referenced punishments, referenced child abuse, referenced discrimination against Downworlders and homophobia.

_Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings_

# Chapter 4: You’re Fine As You Are

Alec had kissed Magnus. At his own wedding to Lydia. That was…unexpected. No, wait. Was it unexpected? Well, the impulsiveness was. But was it surprising? That Alec was gay? Really? After the initial shock and surprise had settled Jace realized it really wasn’t. Alec had never had a date, never shown any interest in girls at all. In fact, he had seemed rather uncomfortable when Jace had told him about the girls he had been with.

With the wedding disrupted, Jace had tried to help minimize the resulting chaos and get the guests to leave. Jace finally had a moment now, when Alec had finished speaking with his parents and they had gone to change clothes to catch up with him. Jace felt they had to talk now, before heading out to find Camille, before something new happened. After everything they had been through since meeting Clary things had been off between them. Their talk before the wedding had helped but in hindsight seemed like half a conversation. Jace was eager to get things back in sync between them and clear the air fully. Being in conflict with Alec was like being at war with himself; only worse.

After Jace had changed clothes he went to find Alec. He entered his room and found him ready to leave, sitting on his bed, looking thoughtful and worried. He smiled when he saw Jace and followed him with his eyes as he came and sat down next to him on the edge of the bed. For a moment they just sat side by side, looking out into the room instead of at each other.

“So…” Jace began slowly, finally breaking the silence, looking at Alec.

“So,” Alec repeated, looking at his hands, fiddling nervously.

“You like Magnus a lot then,” Jace commented, not really knowing how else to start the conversation.

He cringed a bit inwardly; of course, Alec liked Magnus a lot! He had just defied the Clave and his parents in public to show just how much he liked him.

“Yeah,” Alec admitted a bit shyly, avoiding his eyes.

Jace took a deep breath before he nodded as he said, “Ok.”

Alec gave him a searching look, surprised by the simple acknowledgement.

“Just ok?” Alec asked shocked.

“Well, if he hurt you, I will kill him,” Jace promised darkly, his eyes flashing golden for a moment.

He was aware he was being rather hypothetical given he had hurt Alec a lot himself since meeting Clary but when was love of any kind ever logical?

Alec smiled fondly as if he thought he was joking. Jace didn’t correct him, hoping Magnus would never break his parabatai's heart and force him to prove that he was deadly serious.

“You’re not upset? That I’m…you know…gay?” Alec asked anxiously, blushing as he admitted it, unable to meet his eyes.

“Why should I be?” Jace asked with a shrug.

“Mum and dad are,” Alec admitted, biting his lower lip in concern at admitting that fact.

“I know,” Jace acknowledged, frowning. He put a calming hand on Alec’s shoulder as he advised, “Ignore them.”

Alec was silent for a moment, leaning into Jace’s warm touch until he removed his hand again.

Alec took a deep breath as he admitted in a small voice, “I can’t.”

“I know,” Jace said. He paused, unsure what else to say so he said, “Try anyway.”

“Why _aren’t_ you upset?” Alec asked, genuinely puzzled.

Jace was thoughtful for a moment before he said, “Yours or anyone else’s sexuality is not an issue for me; never has been.” He paused before he added honestly, “I have had sex with several Downworlders myself and so has Izzy so having issues with that would be ridiculous.”

“So, you’re truly not upset?” Alec asked to be sure, sounding relieved.

Jace smiled calmingly at him before he admitted, “I really aren’t but I wish you had told me. A lot of stuff makes more sense now.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to continuously lie to you,” Alec admitted embarrassed.

“I get why you didn’t,” Jace calmed him. He paused before he added worried, “The Clave…Hell, almost everyone in Idris _would_ take issues.”

“But not you?” Alec asked once more, still marvelling at that fact.

Jace smiled that special smile that always made Alec feel loved as he said strongly, “No. Never.”

Alec smiled back but then stopped smiling as he admitted in a voice filled with self-discrimination, “I lied to you.”

“No. I never asked if you were gay,” Jace reminded him.

“I mislead you,” Alec maintained stubbornly.

“Alec, stop that. Stop trying to push me into being angry with you,” Jace scowled with a shake of his head but his tone was still warm.

“What? I’m not!” Alec denied hotly but the blush on his cheeks said otherwise.

“Yes, you are. You always do whenever you feel you did something wrong,” Jace reminded him knowingly.

“When I fuck up, I deserve to be punished,” Alec said firmly, repeating what he had always heard, always been taught.

Jace put a calming hand on his knee as he said kindly, “Maybe but not by me.”

Alec smiled at that but then looked away for a moment.

“I had a crush on you, you know,” Alec admitted quietly, blushing in shame.

Jace gave a warm smile, unfazed, as he replied, “I think I always knew that.”

Alec turned back to look at him with wide eyes.

“You’re not mad?” Alec asked shocked.

Jace shook his head, smiling as he replied, “I was basically the only guy around your age you spent any length of time with. It’s natural you thought what you felt for me was that kind of love.”

“Oh. Really?” Alec asked hopefully.

Jace nodded and laughed as he admitted, “I thought I had a crush on Izzy at one point.”

“What?!” Alec asked shocked. Then he started to smile shyly, hesitantly, feeling less like a freak, more…normal hearing Jace admit that as he added, “Really?”

Jace nodded, smiling too as he said, “Yeah.” He paused as he added, “She was the only girl around my age for a while so…”. He then grinned as he added with a wink, “I got over it quick though.”

Alec couldn’t help but nod and smile at that.

“You have had sex with several women so that likely helped,” Alec admitted, looking away as he spoke, embarrassed as he always was to even mention sex or anything sexual.

“Yes, true,” Jace readily admitted with a grin, thinking he was right. Having tried a sexual love for a girl Jace had quickly seen his love for Izzy was different and more like the love for a sister.

“Yeah,” Alec agreed, wondering if he had had sex with a guy he would more quickly have realized what he felt for Jace was brotherly love.

Something in the way Alec said it made Jace realize Alec’s sexual experiences were even more limited than he had first thought.

“Wait…so you haven’t even kissed someone? Ever? Until just now?” Jace asked, surprised.

“No,” Alec admitted shyly, blushing.

“Oh. Ok then,” Jace said, nodding, taking it in. “Even more impressive kiss here today then,” Jace added with a wink.

Alec blushed an even deeper red but smiled proudly at the compliment all the same.

“What do you think mum and dad will do?” Alec asked after a few moments, looking at his hands in his lap, his voice low and worried.

“Be political and save the family name first and foremost,” Jace replied drily.

“Hmm,” Alec admitted, thinking he was right, knowing he was right.

Alec felt it was also the right decision for his parents to do that. He had been raised to do whatever it took to save his family and honor the Lightwood name. What he had done here today had shamed the family. He was ready to face the consequences for that.

“I am more worried about the Clave,” Jace admitted, giving Alec a concerned look. “I wish your coming out had been less…public.”

Alec nodded, sensing his worry in the bond. He squeezed Jace’s hand on his knee in thanks as he said, “I know.”

“I can’t shield you from this,” Jace admitted, sounding both upset and hurt at the thought.

“I know. It’s ok,” Alec assured him.

“I haven’t heard anything regarding what the Clave will do about this but…” Jace warned, his gaze intense as his voice faded out, leaving the rest of his concerns unspoken.

Alec nodded grimly as he admitted, “I know. They will have to punish me for this. It is a blatant disregard for their rules.”

“And in public. Right in their faces. One thing to break off the promised alliance between the families so late in the game but with a man and a Downworlder, two things the Clave is very much against,” Jace thought out loud, his voice grim and filled with concern. He paused before he added, “I mean they so deserve it, but this is not _don’t ask, don’t tell_. This is in your face and the Clave is not merciful.”

“I know. I can take it,” Alec insisted, pushing his worry and concern down, finding strength in the knowledge he had survived punishments before.

Jace was thoughtful for a moment, thinking about his options.

“I want to share your punishment,” Jace said firmly, his voice strongly.

“You can’t,” Alec protested, shaking his head in denial, moved by the offer but intent to shield him from this.

“You can ask. We are parabatai. They might agree to it,” Jace insisted.

“But I won’t do that,” Alec said firmly, his lips a thin line and his eyes holding a stubborn strength.

“I want you to,” Jace contended.

“I know but this was my choice. Had I been braver sooner, not given into the pressure to marry Lydia none of this would have happened,” Alec reminded him, his voice filled with self-incrimination.

“Alec, anyone would have done that,” Jace assured him, his tone understanding and calming.

“Not everyone,” Alec insisted stubbornly. He took a calming breath before he added, “But that also doesn’t matter. I had to do this. I had to stand up for myself. Be myself for once in my life. And I stand by my choices, including the consequences of them.” He winked at Jace, trying to lighten the dark mood as he reminded him in a strong voice, “We’re Lightwoods; we break noses and face the consequences.”

“Or kiss Warlocks and face the consequences,” Jace teased, allowing Alec to lift his spirits for a moment. Alec nodded, smiling as Jace wanted him to.

Jace grew serious as he concluded worried, “I can’t change your mind.”

Alec shook his head as he gave him a soft smile and said, “No, but thank you.”

Jace nodded, accepting it but not liking it.

“Ok. I will be there afterwards,” Jace said firmly. He saw Alec was set to protest, not wanting him to see him hurt so Jace quickly added, overruling him, “As your parabatai my iratzes are stronger than anyone else's.”

Alec saw the worry in the words, so he gave in. He nodded as he said warmly, “Thank you.”

They sat in a comforting silence for a few moments before Jace asked, “Maryse and Robert…what will their punishment be? Have they said?”

Alec tensed a bit before he admitted, “Likely to give me the lashing of a lifetime.” He paused before he acknowledged with a hint of shame, “The wedding to Lydia was meant to restore our family honor. Instead I disobeyed the Clave on two of their most fundamental rules. To keep their power and influence mum and dad will have no other choice but to punish me for that.”

Jace nodded grimly, knowing he was right and that he couldn’t interfere with that. This was between Alec and his parents. That was how things worked for Nephilim. He didn’t like it one bit though.

“Well, I will be there with iratzes too then,” Jace said strongly, stubbornly, his gaze making it clear Alec shouldn’t deny him this.

“I know. Thank you,” Alec said warmly, knowing Jace needed to give his care and support in any way he could as much as he needed to receive it. 

“I could try talking to them for you,” Jace offered hopefully.

Alec shook his head as he said, “Don’t. This is between them and me.” He smiled affectionately at Jace, sensing his worry in the bond, and seeing it in his eyes as he added, “I will be alright.”

Jace sighed before he admitted in a pained tone, “I really wish you didn’t have to carry all of this alone.”

“I will be fine,” Alec assured him. He smiled as he added, “And I am _never_ alone. I have you. My parabatai.”

“Always,” Jace swore as he put his arms around him and pulled him close, smiling when Alec closed his arms around him.

They held each other safe and warm for a moment.

When Alec drew back from Jace he gave him a worried look as he admitted, “I am worried for you though. Clary, Valentine….”

“Yeah,” Jace admitted, trying not to show his confusing feelings on that, not wanting to burden Alec.

“It’s a lot to take in,” Alec admitted sympathetically.

Jace shrugged, trying to be strong and sound nonchalant without feeling it as he said, “I guess.”

“You really buy into this? You believe it?” Alec asked worried.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Jace asked puzzled.

“Well, how do you know it’s you who are her brother? I mean a few days ago you were Wayland’s son,” Alec reminded him.

“A lot of things make sense now. Knowing Valentine raised me,” Jace admitted agonized, looking away. “I mean my powers, my skills in killing….”

“None of it makes sense, Jace,” Alec interrupted hotly, giving him an angry and upset look. “You are not evil!”

“Alec,” Jace started to say, smiling but not believing him.

“Do you think Magnus is evil?” Alec interrupted him with.

“What?” Jace asked surprised. “No, but…”

“Or Simon?” Alec interrupted again.

“Of course not!” Jace replied, giving him a shocked look at the odd questions.

“So, blood doesn’t make you evil,” Alec concluded in a triumphant tone.

Jace was silent for a few moments, not believing it applied to him, so he just said, “Maybe.”

“It doesn’t, Jace,” Alec insisted strongly, sensing in the bond Jace remained unconvinced. “Also, you have half my soul. If you were evil so would I be. Do you think I am evil?”

“Of course not!” Jace protested strongly.

“Then neither are you,” Alec declared firmly.

Jace shook his head and smiled softly as he ruffled Alec’s hair.

“Sneaky parabatai,” Jace declared fondly.

“I love you, Jace. I can’t ever live without you. You literally have half my soul. So please…Promise me you won’t do anything stupid regarding this whole Clary and Valentine thing. Promise?” Alec pressed desperately, giving him a piercing look.

“Promise,” Jace readily agreed, smiling disarmingly. He gave Alec an equally worried and strong look as the one Alec was giving him as he added, “But then promise you will let me know when your parents and the Clave come for you so I can be there. Help you heal faster.”

Alec smiled warmly as he said, “Promise.”

They hugged once more, both feeling better after hearing these promises, feeling calmer now that they thought the other wouldn’t suffer alone. 

However, Jace and Alec didn’t know they would break both promises. Jace would run headfirst after Valentine and end up with him on his ship. Alec would face his punishments alone and would almost kill himself in an attempt to get Jace back.

_The end of part 4_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are enjoying the story a comment and/or a kudos would mean so much to me. Thanks so much :)


	5. I Am Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec have that talk they needed to have when Jace is finally back from the ship and his arrest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Chapter warnings: Referenced punishments, referenced child abuse, referenced discrimination against Downworlders and homophobia. Thoughts/talk about racism relating to blood and race. Referenced "going out in a blaze of glory" mindset.

_Please read the chapter notes for chapter warnings_

# Chapter 5: I Am Here

Ok, so that had turned out wrong in so many ways. Jace liked to think he didn’t have any prejudices. That was a nice thought, wasn’t it? Alec didn’t seem to have any – well, except maybe regarding Mundanes in the Shadow World but that seemed more logical than a prejudice considering Nephilim trained to kill since birth and human children…well, didn’t.

Alec was different, sensitive. Understanding. He hadn’t even once hesitated in terms of Magnus or the fact he was a Warlock. No, he had struggled with his sexuality due to the ignorance and hatred in Idris but never once had Magnus’ birth, his demon blood, made Alec think less of him or label him as bad or evil.

Jace wanted to think he was the same. Fact was he had just proven he wasn’t. He had been told he was Valentine’s son and had demon blood and right away he had felt like that blood defined him. Made him evil. And he had done several actions to make it true, as if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. What did that say about him? All his worrying and anxiety and internal struggle…what did it actually say about him? If he truly didn’t think blood mattered, if he truly felt Downworlders could be equal to the angel blooded…would he then struggle like that?

He felt in his heart that Alec could calm him, would calm him. Alec had always had such clear views on right and wrong. His own lines got blurry at times, but Alec’s never did. He would stand in the eye of the storm and shoot out the very ground he was standing on to make things right.

If he had only listened to Alec. If he had not been rash or emotional or foolish…none of this would have happened. He would not have been caught by Valentine, he would not have been helping him, he would not have doubted. He would have stood firm and instead of just following Valentine he would have believed Alec, trusted that they could all easily defeat a few Circle members with no more power than normal Shadowhunters.

He had told himself Alec would be fine. He had been on the ship only a few days before he had started to doubt that belief. But just how much trouble could Alec get into in such a short time? A hell of a lot apparently. He had almost killed himself finding him, locating him. And he in turn had almost killed himself getting back to save Alec. What a pair they made. Jace mentally told himself he would communicate better in the future but as soon as he made the silent promise he also knew himself well enough to know he would break it. Communicating about his feelings was not one of his core skills to put it mildly and neither was it Alec's.

He had never been more afraid than when he had thought Alec might die. It had killed him inside. He couldn’t be alone again, alone in his soul, in his mind. It soothed him to know Alec was there within, a part of him. It made him feel like a better man.

When he had held Alec, thinking he had died, that he had been too late…his soul had shattered and he had prepared for the pain, the agony of feeling a part of his spirit dying. He had known then and there that the stories were true. You could survive losing your parabatai, but it would only ever be surviving. It would never be living. Losing a part of your soul had consequences and Jace first now truly realized the magnitude of the commitment Alec and he had made to each other all those years ago. His life wasn’t his alone any longer. It was Alec’s too. And vice versa.

Jace felt guilty now thinking of how reckless he had been. How little he had considered Alec in his choices. Not only going to the ship with Valentine and all of that but that he had tried to go out in a blaze of glory during the so-called trial Aldertree had given him. It had seemed a good idea at the time. He had no illusions regarding the mercy of the Clave and the Silent Brothers and knew his actions and his blood would damn him. Rather he died fighting than be burned to death as Idris did with traitors.

Now that he was back at the New York Institute he couldn’t help but wince at his trail of thought. Alec had been willing to face the Clave and the Silent Brothers for his convictions of equality with the Downworld and for love, for Magnus. What had he done? The precise opposite. He felt that these last few days more than clearly proved to him that he needed Alec as much as he needed him, just in a different way. He knew Alec looked up to him and admired him for his fighting skills. But Jace admired Alec for his clarity of vision and his values. He needed Alec’s calm when he felt conflicted, when he felt the storm inside.

Jace hadn’t had time to speak properly with Alec yet; they had both worried about Izzy being wounded. Alec had taken her to the infirmary while Jace had gone to his room to shower and change. He had felt better doing that. He had tried to talk to Clary, but she had gone to seek solace from Simon which he understood though it pained him. Simon had known her all her life after all and Jace was frankly very conflicted regarding Clary's mother, their mother, so he was likely not a good choice to comfort her anyway. The woman had tried to kill him after all. He didn't know her; he had barely even met her. But still that had hurt and only made him feel even more justified in thinking his blood made him evil. Getting some distance from it all and seeing Alec again made Jace realize just how short-sighted that line of thought was and the impact of it for if his own blood damned him...why would blood not damn others too? It was not a pleasent trail of thought to put it mildly.

Afterwards Jace went to visit Izzy in the infirmary and see for himself she was ok. Then he went in search for Alec and let the bond guide him to his location. He found him in his room, having showered and changed as well. Alec was sitting on the bed, looking at his hands with a lost expression on his face. Jace frowned as he closed the door and walked over to him.

“Alec?” Jace asked worried.

Alec shook himself out of his thoughts and smiled up at him, sending warmth and affection through the bond.

“Jace,” Alec said with a smile but his eyes still looked sad.

Jace sat down on the bed next to him, unsure how to say everything he wanted to say.

“Izzy is ok, thank the Angel. I just went to check up on her,” Jace said, settling on a safe topic.

Alec nodded in agreement as he said, “Thankfully, yes.”

Alec paused before he squeezed Jace’s nearest hand warmly as he added with obvious relief in his tone and eyes, “And thank the Angel you are here.”

Jace smiled warmly, covering Alec’s hand on his arm with his own as he said, “I am here.”

Alec smiled back and for a moment they sat like that. Then Alec withdrew his hand. He folded his hands in his lap and looked down embarrassed at them for a moment. Then he looked at Jace again with a look filled with pain and regret.

“I tried to get you out, Jace. I swear,” Alec told him in a sad and lost tone. He paused before he added honestly, “However, my standing with Idris, the Clave, and the Silent Brothers is…poor at the moment.”

Jace could feel Alec’s worry and self-doubt, his anger at himself for not having succeeded in the bond. Jace was not in doubt Alec would have done everything he could.

“It’s ok. I’m fine,” Jace quickly assured him, flashing his trademark cocky smile.

Alec gave him an annoyed look as he snapped, “Don’t do that with me, Jace. Not with me.” He paused before he added more emotionally in a hurt tone, “You’re not fine! Stop lying to me.”

Jace paused, as always a bit surprised that Alec knew him so well and wanted to know him so well.

“I’m sorry; you’re right. I’m not fine but I am getting there,” Jace amended.

Alec nodded at that, smiling a bit. He gave Jace a searching look, biting his lower lip worriedly.

“I felt you. I felt your conflict,” Alec admitted quietly. He looked Jace in the eyes as he added, “Even now. You are…confused.”

Jace nodded, seeing no reason to deny it.

“I don’t want to be. I want to be like you,” Jace told him frankly.

Alec looked surprised at him.

“Like me? Why in the world would anyone want that, least of all you?”

Jace mentally scolded himself for having been so caught up in himself he had forgotten Alec. He was dealing with a lot and he hadn’t been there for him. This show of Alec’s insecurities and doubts had just proven that he had been needed.

Jace took a deep breath and fought his father’s teachings on strength and weakness to be able to admit, “Alec, I don’t have your clarity. Your strength.”

Alec looked shocked at Jace as he insisted strongly, “Of course, you do! You are much stronger than me.”

Jace smiled but shook his head as he said matter of fact, “Not really. Not when it matters. Not mentally. You told me before all of this happened that blood doesn’t matter.”

Alec squeezed Jace’s nearest hand once more in comfort as he insisted in a firm and honest tone, his eyes pleading with him to believe him, “It doesn’t. Jace, it doesn’t. You are my parabatai and brother always.”

Jace put his other hand over Alec’s, looking at their connected hands, a symbol of that brotherhood that Alec spoke of.

“But it seems it matters to me,” Jace admitted quietly, in a pained tone, his eyes still on their hands.

“What do you mean?” Alec asked confused.

Jace forced himself to look at Alec as he admitted, “The conflict in me…if I truly felt demon blood doesn’t make you evil, if I truly felt being Valentine’s son, having his blood in my veins didn’t make me evil…I would not have these feelings. This conflict.”

Alec gave him a sympathetic look as he insisted, “It is understandable.”

Jace shrugged at that even if Alec’s words and the support he was sending through the bond warmed him.

“Maybe, but you were also raised in Idris, by Maryse whom we now know was Valentine’s second in command. We both know you didn’t have a much softer or kinder upbringing than I did. In fact, after I came to live with you and your family things got really easy for me while it never did for you. Maryse might have been more emotional than Valentine, used more mind games but her message was the same as Valentine’s; that Downworlders don’t matter. You never believed it. Not even a hidden part of you believed it for otherwise you would not have been able to fall in love with Magnus the way you did,” Jace said honestly, thoughtfully. He sighed as he added in a pained voice, “Somewhere inside I clearly did believe these teachings even if I don’t want to. Even if I was not consciously aware of it.”

Alec squeezed Jace’s hand as he insisted, “Jace, you are **not** evil. Just a bit confused. You are back now. Everything will be fine.”

Jace shook his head and smiled fondly at Alec as he asked, “You really don’t ever want to think ill of me, do you?”

Alec looked down for a moment before looking at him again as he admitted, “I did. Once. Remember? With Clary?” Alec paused as he admitted regretfully, “I’m sorry for that.”

Yes, Jace remembered. He also remembered how he had pushed Alec aside, ignored him, prioritized a girl he had known for hours over his parabatai, the man he shared half his soul with. How he had said words to hurt him, to make him obey him. He could give all the excuses and reasons; how he really wanted a girl as pure as Clary to love him, how he felt redeemed in her eyes, drawn to her….he could come up with so many excuses but none of it made his actions ok.

“I deserved that. I had met her for hours and I disrespected you and got you into trouble, had you punished for going against our standing orders. I knew better,” Jace admitted regretfully.

Alec smiled at that, happy for the apology. They had talked about it before but never quite like this.

“It’s ok. I love you,” Alec quickly assured him.

Jace felt warmth in the bond and from the words, warming his heart and soul and making him feel better, making the darkness of the past days disappear.

“I love you too,” Jace told him.

They sat like that for a moment. Then Alec’s eyes fell on the small scrapes and bruises on Jace’s skin and he frowned.

“Let me do your iratzes,” Alec insisted as he rose and got his steele from his desk, going back towards Jace.

“I don’t really need…” Jace started to say but then caught Alec’s eyes, seeing the worry there, the need for him to ease his pain somehow. He smiled softly as he said, “Yes. That would be great.”

Alec smiled back, relieved to be able to help somehow, as he took Jace’s right arm and pulled up his sleeve, drawing an iratze there. He then drew one on Jace’s neck as well. The runes lit up and the leftover scrapes healed at once.

“There you are,” Alec said with a satisfied nod.

Jace noticed the bruises on Alec’s hands and caught his right wrist in his.

“Can I do yours then?” Jace asked as he took the steele from Alec’s hand, nodding to his hands and fingers.

Alec looked a bit confused but then realized what he meant.

“I'm fine,” Alec insisted with a faint blush as he pulled his hand back.

Jace sighed, knowing Alec did this when he hurt emotionally. Hurting himself physically. He should have known Alec would do this to deal with his absence and subsequent arrest but he had been too caught up in his own pain to think about it. Seeing Alec's bruises now made him remember previous times Alec had dealt with his pain in this way. Jace had sworn not to force the issue, to be supportive and wait for Alec to be ready to open up about doing this. He reluctantly handed Alec the steele back, mentally promising himself to keep a sharp eye on Alec in the coming weeks to check in on him and ensure his self-harm and self-punishing instincts didn’t go too far and be there to catch him when he was ready. Well, if Magnus didn’t beat him to it of course.

“The demon that possessed you….” Jace started to say as Alec walked back to sit next to Jace on the bed after putting the steele back on his desk.

Alec stiffened at once as he interrupted sharply, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jace could feel the agony from Alec in the words and in the bond. He put a hand on Alec’s nearest thigh as he said softly, “Alec, it wasn’t your fault.”

Alec avoided his eyes as he said quietly, “I know.”

“It wasn’t,” Jace insisted, more forcefully this time.

Alec just nodded, a lump in his throat. Then he threw his arms around Jace’s neck and Jace put his arms around him. They held each other tight for a few moments.

“Don’t ever part from me, Jace. Ever,” Alec whispered against Jace’s neck, his voice filled with desperation and fear. He then pulled back and they looked at each other, both trying to get their emotions under control.

“Don’t run away again. Promise,” Alec insisted, unshed tears in his eyes.

Jace smiled softly as he nodded, “I promise.”

Alec smiled as well, having pulled himself more together as he replied, “Good.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Jace had to ask the one thing he had dreaded asking, “Did I make it in time?”

“What do you mean?” Alec asked in a guarded tone.

“You know what I mean,” Jace insisted, his gaze worried.

Alec bit his lower lip nervously, looking away as he insisted quietly, “It’s ok. It was nothing.”

Jace mentally cursed himself. He hadn’t made it; he thought it enough but had still hoped he had been wrong. He hadn’t been there for Alec. Damn it! If he had just listened to Alec…

“What happened?” Jace asked worried.

Alec turned back to look at Jace and forced a small smile as he insisted, “It's over now.”

“I need to know, Alec. What did the Clave do? What did Robert and Maryse do?” Jace asked, his voice intense and his eyes filled with worry and concern.

Alec shook his head as he insisted more firmly, “It's over, Jace.”

“Tell me!” Jace insisted more forcefully, his worry skyrocketing as did his guilt at not having been there.

His tone made Alec’s eyes blaze with anger and worry of his own.

“Fine!” Alec snapped. “Want to talk? Let’s talk.” He gave Jace a piercing and troubled look of his own as he asked darkly, “Give me a minute by minute break down of your days on the ship with Valentine and then after that your trial. What you did, what Valentine did and how you felt about it. Let’s start there!”

Jace paled at that, giving Alec a confused look as he got out, “What?! Why?”

Alec looked worried at him as he told him anguished, “Well, I know they beat you and then healed you; I saw the iratzes on your skin from it and I felt the faint echoes in the bond. Seems like it was only a few times, thankfully. So, what mind games did Valentine play on you? What did he make you do? How did you feel killing those Downworlders that you reportedly killed?" Alec took a deep breath, his voice trembling as he went on emotionally, "Clary’s mother, your mother, attacked you and now, what I did…”

“Fine, fine. I get it,” Jace interrupted sharply, hiding his pain in anger, making Alec fall silent. "And you did nothing; a demon did," Jace reminded him but he could tell from the pain in Alec's eyes he still felt responsible but then Alec felt responsible for anything and everyone.

Jace took a deep breath, aware Alec had masterfully avoided answering the question. However, two could play that game.

“Speaking of feeling things then I felt your pain too. It was faint but it was there. Before you tried to locate me. The first pain I felt I think was from your parents. It felt familiar; something you have borne before; something I have felt from you before. I will guess a lashing and you got to use runes afterwards. Not long after I was arrested I felt something new; something that made your mind ablaze with agony, but your body seemed whole. My guess is the agony rune, the physical aspect of it, making the mind think it is being physically punished without leaving any marks. So, why don't we talk about that?”

Alec had gone white as a sheet and tense as a bow string as he interrupted sharply, “Fine. We are not talking about it.”

“At the moment,” Jace agreed, agony and worry in his eyes and voice as he realized he had guessed right, his heart breaking at knowing Alec had suffered alone.

Alec nodded to that as he agreed, "At the moment."

"Izzy and Magnus....they don't know, do they?" Jace guessed insightfully, referencing Alec's punishments.

"No, and I don't want them to. They both have a lot to deal with at the moment. Besides, it is over and done with," Alec insisted in a firm tone.

"I won't say anything," Jace promised.

Alec smiled his thanks. They both took deep calming breaths, trying to center themselves and accept that the other had hurt and been in pain, alone. Jace put an arm around Alec’s shoulder and he relaxed and leaned against him.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Alec whispered so quietly Jace barely heard him.

“And I'm sorry I wasn’t there for you either,” Jace admitted just as softly.

They sat like that for a while, finding comfort and strength in each other. Then Alec lifted his head and pulled a bit back so he could look properly at Jace.

“Jace?” Alec asked, his voice thoughtful and emotional.

“Yes?”

“Don’t run again,” Alec begged, his voice soft and pleading.

Jace nodded, a lump in his throat, overwhelmed by Alec’s care and concern in the bond and in his expression, as he promised, “I won’t.”

Alec smiled a little as he said, “Ok.”

Jace tussled Alec’s hair fondly to break the emotional moment, making Alec draw back with a mock offended look. Jace laughed lighthearted before he grew serious again.

“Don’t go making any more grand political statements or try and kill yourself getting to me,” Jace told him seriously.

Alec shook his head as he said firmly, “I won’t promise either.”

Jace was set to protest but then considered Alec’s reply for a moment.

“No, you won’t, would you? You wouldn’t be you if you did,” Jace commented thoughtfully, knowing it was true.

No matter how much Jace might want to wrap Alec up in cotton it was a ridiculous request; Alec was a capable Shadowhunter and a person leading change in a conversative and backwater world filled with brutality and prejudice. He would never be safe. However, Jace swore he would do better at being there and protecting him as best as he could moving forward.

“You upset knowing that? That I can't promise you either?” Alec asked him, a hint of worry in his tone.

Jace shook his head as he assured him firmly, seriously, “Never. I am proud of you.”

Alec smiled relieved as he said fondly, “And I of you. Always.”

They embraced once more, warmth and support flooding the bond and for a few moments it was enough to drown out the darkness at the edges of both of their minds, both of their souls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment and/or a kudos if you are enjoying the story. Would mean a lot to me.


	6. You Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec talk after Alec’s attempted suicide at Max’s rune ceremony. Jace finally opens up about his ordeal on Valentine’s ship and his own problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Chapter warnings: Referenced child abuse, referenced beatings, referenced discrimination against Downworlders and homophobia. Thoughts/talk about racism relating to blood and race. Referenced "going out in a blaze of glory" mindset. References to depression and Alec's attempted suicide at Max's rune ceremony and suicidal thoughts in general.

_Please read the chapter notes for detailed chapter warnings_

# Chapter 6: You Matter

Jace had known Alec was torn about the demon possessing him, killing Jocelyn. He had felt his pain through their bond, his self-hatred, his self-loathing. As Alec had gotten older he had made hiding his emotional pain an artform, seeking refuge in physical pain; overtraining and not healing injuries sustained in battle or during training being Alec’s go to escape as those were ‘acceptable’ injuries for a Nephilim to have and could often be hidden under his clothes.

At first Jace had tried to give Alec space and time as that was what he had said he needed. That he didn’t want to talk about it. Jace understood that. He wasn’t good at talking about his own feelings either. They had both been raised to be guarded with their feelings, to push through, to endure. And so they did. Finding ways to cope so they could keep moving forward, keep fighting.

Most of the time Alec could hide his self-injuries from Jace. Physically a few iratzes would heal the damage whenever Alec wanted and needed to do so. Emotionally Alec would close their bond and Jace would not feel his pain. However, if Alec were in too much internal turmoil, like now, he couldn’t close their connection completely and thus, from time to time over the next few weeks Jace felt Alec’s pain from his self-harm in the bond. Not seeing the situation improving Jace had tried to talk to Alec about it without much success; Alec still said he didn’t want to discuss it.

Jace knew Magnus had talked to Alec about it too when he had seen Alec’s bruised hands and other injuries over the last few weeks. However, Magnus had admitted with some worry to Jace that Alec hadn’t really opened up to him either, claiming he didn’t need to talk about it.

The situation was worrying Jace and frankly also puzzling him. Alec had faced hardship before but had always stopped his self-destructive spiral after a few weeks. This time he didn’t seem to bounce back the same way he had before. Jace had a feeling it was a combination of several factors; that Jocelyn had been Clary’s and his mother, that Alec was being required to keep proving himself in the eyes of the Clave and his parents after coming out at his failed wedding to Lydia….and likely just that this ordeal was coming on top of a lifetime of struggle.

Alec had instead of focusing on overcoming his own struggles tried to focus on Jace. To get him to talk about Valentine, Clary, the ship…but Jace was just as tight-lipped as Alec and didn’t want to talk about it. Jace preferred to do what he always did; put all that bad stuff into a mental box of bad stuff he had experienced and not think about it ever again. However, Aldertree made that difficult with his constant supervision of him after his so-called trial.

Fed up with Aldertree Jace had packed his bags and gone to the one place he knew he could always go; Alec. Well, in this case Magnus’ loft as that happened to be where Alec was staying now. Jace had not only been happy to be away from Aldertree by staying at the loft but now he was also closer to Alec which meant he could look after Alec better. And as a bonus Magnus and he grew closer. At first Jace had been fearful of Magnus, afraid he might not really be good for Alec. After all, Magnus was Alec’s first everything. That required a level of tenderness and care Jace had needed to confirm Magnus had. However, watching Magnus with Alec and after giving him the shovel talk Jace’s fears had slowly started to fade in the light of the love he saw Alec and Magnus had for each other.

However, Jace’s belief he could now look better after Alec hadn’t turned out so well. The spell at Max’s rune ceremony had made it clear to Jace, to all of them, just what kind of fears and insecurities they all kept bottled up inside.

Seeing Alec standing up on that ledge, seeing him jump…Jace’s world had shattered. He had frozen, dread and fear keeping him immobile. Alec had jumped. He had left him! Jace had been torn between an irrational anger that Alec had jumped and left him behind and the feeling that this just couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be losing Alec. Not Alec! Anyone else. Never Alec. Alec was his rock, the eye of the storm. Everything else could be chaos but Alec was clarity. A safe harbor. 

Magnus had acted when Jace couldn’t. He had caught Alec with his magic and put him into a light trance, lowering him to the ground next to the railing. After the danger had passed Jace had carried Alec to bed while Magnus had taken control of the situation and sent everyone home.

Jace had spoken with Maryse before she had left regarding his fear of rejection from her. He was baffled as to how much it had meant to him that he was clearly back in her good graces; that his fears were unfounded. He assumed it was because Maryse was the only mother he had ever known and frankly also because Maryse had worshipped the ground he had walked on from she had first seen him, seen how skilled he was. Having a mother figure, a grownup, who admired and worshipped him like that had been intoxicating when Jace had been a child. He had to admit that it still was, in particular after being told Valentine was his father and his own mother, Jocelyn, had tried to murder him due to the demon blood Valentine had injected him with.

Jace was angry with himself to find that Maryse’s opinion mattered so much to him, that he was so happy she again admired him and wanted him in her family. It was ridiculous, in particular given it was clear to everyone that her opinion on Alec, Magnus, same sex relationships and Downworlders in general hadn’t changed. She had just, quite poorly to be honest, tried to play along as that was in her best interest at this moment. And yet Jace was happy he was again number 1 in her eyes. He was a bit disgusted with himself for being **that** relieved and happy about it as he was when Alec had longed for her approval and love since birth and Maryse was still playing push and pull with him.

When all the guests who had attended the party had left and it was just the three of them, Magnus had gone to sit by Alec’s bed for a while, holding his hand and kissing it tenderly. The door to the bedroom had been ajar, allowing Jace to see them together. He had been moved by the romantic gesture, the tenderness in it. He recalled his warning to Magnus that Alec was sensitive and, in that moment, Jace realized Magnus was right for his brother. Magnus was sensitive too, just in a different way.

Later that evening, when Magnus came out into the living room again, letting Alec sleep, he asked if Jace wanted a drink. It was their first shared drink together, just the two of them, and it felt right somehow to do that here, now. Even if they didn’t really talk of Alec, didn’t really talk of much at all, it felt like they were having a silent conversation and both made a silent vow to be there for Alec and protect him, together. When Alec stirred and Magnus went to bed with him, intent on holding him close and safe, Jace said simply _thank you_ to him. Nothing else. Just that. Jace could see on Magnus and hear it when he replied _any time_ , that Magnus understood. Understood it meant so much more. That he meant thank you for saving Alec. For saving my soul, my life, my parabatai, my brother. Just thank you. Thank you for doing what I couldn’t. Thank you for being there.

Jace knew Magnus and Alec had talked the next day on the balcony after the raw emotions had settled for both of them. Jace needed, wanted, to talk to Alec too but had been waiting for the right moment. That moment came the day after that when Alec and he arrived back at the loft from the Institute before Magnus had finished with his client, giving the parabatai a few moments alone.

They went to the living room together in silence. Things had been a bit awkward between them since Alec had been on that ledge; Jace had been overprotective and Alec had been self-conscious. They both knew they had to talk.

Jace went to Magnus’ drinks cart and poured a whiskey for himself and some sweet-smelling liquid that he had learned Alec liked. When Jace turned around with the drinks Alec was sitting on the sofa, looking tense and ready to face battle. Jace gave him an encouraging smile as he sat down beside him, handing him the drink. Alec nodded in thanks and they both took a sip. They sat in silence for a few moments while Jace tried to send Alec some reassuring vibes through the bond, but Alec was doing his best to close his end of the bond. Despite that Jace could feel Alec’s uneasiness. 

“So…” Jace began, fiddling with the glass in his hand.

“So?” Alec repeated, looking down into his drink.

Jace took a deep breath before he asked, “Want to talk?”

Alec tensed even more before saying shortly, “No.”

Alec took another sip of his drink and so did Jace.

“Ok,” Jace said after a few seconds. He was thoughtful for a moment before he admitted quietly, “I do.”

Alec gave him a surprised look but then seemed to relax now that the conversation wasn’t about him.

“What about?” Alec asked worried.

“Maryse,” Jace admitted after a moment, feeling Alec had a right to know about his own illusions during the spell. He knew Magnus had told Alec of all their illusions but Alec ought to hear it from him.

“What about her?” Alec asked with a frown, tensing a bit as he always did when his mother was discussed.

“I imagined her rejecting me because I feared it,” Jace admitted, his frustration and vulnerability at that fact clear in his tone.

Jace could hear his father’s voice in his head, a voice saying such fears were weakness, but he forced the voice to shut up. Around Alec it was always easier for him to make that voice inside his head that sounded like his father shut up.

Alec’s whole expression changed and now showed only sympathy and concern. He sent comfort and warmth through the bond to Jace, making the blond smile softly as his soul got covered in a blanket of Alec’s love, instantaneously making Jace feel better.

Alec put a comforting hand on Jace’s thigh as he said, “That’s understandable.”

By the Angel did Alec make this easy for him but when didn’t he? However, Jace forced himself to stay focused and not take the easy way out that Alec was offering him.

“Yes, but not really,” Jace admitted with a shrug. He looked down into his drink as he forced himself to go on, “In fact, it’s rather selfish. She worshiped me from the day I arrived to stay with you guys. She turns on me once, _once_ , and I fall apart.” When Jace looked at Alec he was giving him a compassionate look and sent comforting vibes to him in the bond. Jace continued before Alec could offer verbal support as well, his voice filled with self-hatred at his own weakness, “She has been cold and demanding, critical and judgmental towards you, her own blood, since birth and I break down because it happens for a total of what? Maybe two months or something before she is over it.” Jace shook his head as he added in dark voice, his father’s teachings ringing in his ears, “Seriously? That’s just pathetic.”

Alec shook his head.

“No. No. It’s understandable,” Alec insisted firmly. “She is the only mother you have ever known.”

Jace sighed in annoyance as he asked exasperated, “Could you _please_ try for once to not be that Goddamn understanding?!”

Alec removed his hand from Jace’s thigh, looking hurt, making Jace feel guilty about his outburst so he sent warmth at him through the bond, making Alec smile a bit, clearly feeling better.

“What do you want me to say?” Alec asked, a bit confused.

“I don’t know,” Jace admitted, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “Yell at me or something.”

Alec looked shocked at him and shook his head as he said firmly, “No. Why would I do that? She’s your mother too and she loves you.”

Jace sighed as he reminded Alec, “But that’s just it. She should be loving _you_ at least as much as me and she isn’t. She shouldn’t be favoring me like this and I have no right to get that upset that for a few weeks I felt what it’s like to be treated like she so often treats you.”

“She’s right to favor you and love you as she does. You are better, stronger,” Alec said matter of fact, in a voice filled with self-discrimination. He added lowly, agonized under his breath, “You would not be weak like me.”

“Alec, you are **not** weak,” Jace insisted firmly but he could tell Alec didn’t believe him.

“Yeah,” Alec just said, looking down into his drink.

Jace put a gentle hand on Alec’s knee as he said, “Alec, its ok to be angry with me, frustrated with me, with her, with Maryse, about this. About how she treats me and how I feel about it.”

Alec was silent for a few seconds before he looked at Jace and said frankly in a voice filled with pain, “That’s just it. I am always angry.”

“What? Really?” Jace asked surprised, stunned. Alec was always so calm to him. His safe harbor.

Alec nodded grimly as he took another sip of his drink before he went on, “Well, always is a bit of an exaggeration.” He paused before he clarified his previous statement, “I am angry and hurt and depressed a lot and your relationship with Maryse is not the cause. My own relationship with her and others are.”

Jace felt his heart ache at hearing that. He squeezed Alec’s knee as he said sympathetically, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Max, Izzy but in particular you and now Magnus…you bring me light and hope. You give me good days,” Alec admitted softly, smiling warmly at him.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Jace got out, a lump in his throat, feeling sad he hadn’t noticed the extent of the pain Alec felt inside. He paused before he added with a hint of puzzlement, “You never seem angry in our bond.”

“I am never angry with you. I am angry with myself,” Alec admitted with a soft smile. He paused before he added frankly, “Your rage is like your love; burning and intense. Mine is…”

“Calm and calculated?” Jace suggested when Alec searched for the right words.

Alec nodded, “Yeah.”

They sat in silence for a few moments before Jace had to say it, had to bring it up, “On the balcony the other night…”

Alec’s whole face closed as he said sharply, “I am _not_ talking about it.”

Jace recognized that wall around Alec’s feelings and knew he had to do something different this time. His father had taught him that love was weakness, but Alec had showed him that love was strength. Alec kept loving even though he so often got hurt and bruised. That was strength. That was power. Real power. Suddenly Jace knew what he had to do.

Jace looked down into his drink as he started quietly, so quietly Alec almost didn’t hear him, “On the ship with Valentine…”

“You don’t have to…” Alec said just as quietly when Jace didn’t continue.

Jace looked at him as he said with a small smile, “I know I don’t _have_ to. But I feel I should.”

Alec nodded to that and just waited patiently for Jace to be ready to continue.

“You were right about everything you said,” Jace finally said before he took a large sip of his drink for courage. “He did have his men beat me a few times when I broke his rules but that’s not what bothers me. I can take a beating. We both can. Hell, any Shadowhunter can. Easily.”

Alec nodded grimly, putting a hesitant but warm hand on Jace’s thigh as he encouraged, “I know but even though we can all endure doesn’t make it any easier.”

Jace nodded and smiled a bit, feeling better when Alec sent warmth and comfort to him in the bond.

“What really rattled me…is that I still wanted to impress him,” Jace admitted, his cheeks flaming hot in shame.

“Valentine?” Alec asked.

Jace nodded, “Yes.”

“He’s your father. It’s understandable,” Alec assured him.

“He’s also an evil mass murderer who if he was here would want to murder Magnus for being a Downworlder and you for being with him,” Jace said darkly.

Alec gave him a strong look as he replied, “I am starting to realize a lot of people will want to hurt or kill me going forward with Magnus. Let them try. He is worth it.”

Jace smiled at hearing the strength and conviction in Alec’s voice.

“Well, anyone wanting to do that has to go through me,” Jace assured him just as strongly.

Alec laughed warmly at that as he said fondly, “And Magnus.” 

Jace nodded in agreement to that but then grew serious as he fiddled with his glass.

“Alec, despite knowing that about Valentine I helped him, I even considered joining him. A part of me…agreed with what he was saying,” Jace admitted shamefully.

“Jace, you are _not_ Valentine,” Alec told him firmly, with clear conviction.

“You have never once thought Downworlders should not be equal with Nephilim despite the fact that Robert, Maryse, Hodge and everyone else around us growing up thought so. I have,” Jace admitted, finally getting the words of infamy out he knew he had to say.

Jace tensed, waiting for Alec’s anger, his resentment, his judgement.

“Do you think so now?” Alec asked evenly, calmly.

Jace paled and quickly shook his head as he said strongly, “Of course not!”

Alec smiled softly at hearing that as he said, “Then we’re good.”

Jace frowned as he asked doubtfully, “Didn’t you hear me?”

“I did but if I was to resent all Downworlders who at some point hadn’t wanted equality and all Nephilim who at one point hadn’t wanted equality…then my dream of a united Shadow World free of prejudice would consist of no people,” Alec admitted honestly.

Jace couldn’t help but smile in relief and gratitude, sending love through the bond.

“Just Magnus and you,” Jace teased.

“Magnus used to hate Nephilim so no,” Alec told him frankly.

“Oh? Right. I recall reading that about him,” Jace admitted thoughtfully. “Does it sound weird that knowing that makes me feel better about myself?”

“No. It sounds normal,” Alec assured him with a smile.

“There’s something else I have to tell you,” Jace said seriously, grimly, after a few moments.

“Yes?” Alec asked in an encouraging tone.

Jace had another sip of his drink for courage before he put the glass on the table in front of him and took a deep breath. He now knew he had to say it for Alec to be able to talk about his own pain, something Jace thought he probably needed in order to move on.

“During my trial I had to admit to at least partly agreeing with Valentine which I knew would brand me a traitor. We both know the punishments for that are horrible and without mercy. So I wanted to go out in a blaze of glory,” Jace admitted quietly, looking down.

“Make them kill you?” Alec asked pained, his voice catching, showing his worry and concern.

Jace nodded and looked at him as he said quietly, emotionally, “Before I saw you up on that ledge I didn’t really think about it but when things get rough I guess that in the back of my mind I always had the thought, the idea, that I could always run head first into battle and go out in a blaze of glory.” 

Alec took a deep breath, tears in the corners of his eyes.

“Please…don’t,” Alec asked, or more like pleaded with him, moving his hand to hold on to Jace’s, giving it a warm squeeze.

Jace gave his parabatai a soft smile, squeezing his hand back as he promised, “I will try not to. I realize now that as parabatai such a choice doesn’t only affect me.”

Alec nodded but then blushed and looked away, clearly recalling standing up on that ledge as much as Jace did.

Alec took a deep and calming breath as he said softly but strongly, “You wanted to talk about the other night. You told me about you and you are right; as my parabatai you have a right to know. So, ask me what you wanted to ask.”

Jace smiled a bit in thanks, knowing he had done the right thing. By admitting to his own pain and confusion, his own struggles, Alec now felt he could open up to him.

Jace gave Alec a pained look as he recalled seeing Alec jump to his death. He fought to hide the accusation in the words as he spoke but didn’t quite succeed despite feeling, knowing, he was being hypocritical now, “You jumped.”

Alec looked guilty, biting his lower lip as he looked away before admitting in a soft tone, “I know.”

“If Magnus hadn’t walked in at that time…You would have killed yourself that night and I would be alone now,” Jace went on, letting Alec hear his distress and agony at the thought.

Alec gave Jace’s hand on his knee a comforting squeeze as he gave him a soft but remorseful look as he said, “I know. I’m sorry.”

Jace took a deep breath and thought of his own more than rash decisions lately, decisions that could easily have led to his death, including his brilliant idea of going out in a blaze of glory during his trial. It was more than a bit hypocritical to demand Alec should never even consider ending his own life when he kept risking his. He logically knew that it was only his father’s teachings that made him feel that his idea of going out in a glaze of glory was any better than jumping from a ledge. The end result would be the same; a chosen death. 

“Don’t be sorry. No matter what I may think or feel then it’s your choice,” Jace admitted, meaning it even if it pained him to say.

Alec nodded at that, unsure what to say, looking away again as he removed his hand from Jace’s. Jace kept his hand on Alec’s knee, needing the physical connection, the proof he was still here.

“What happened?” Jace asked quietly after a few moments. He caught Alec’s eyes as he warned, “Don’t tell me it was the spell.”

“It was,” Alec insisted but his cheeks flamed as he said it, making it clear Alec himself knew he wasn’t being truthful now.

“Alec,” Jace warned.

Alec bit his lower lip as he amended his statement by saying, “Partly.”

They both took a sip of their drinks for added courage.

“You have thought of it?” Jace asked softly after a short silence.

“What?” Alec asked confused, looking intensely at Jace.

“Killing yourself,” Jace clarified quietly, emotionally.

Alec struggled with himself for a moment, his cheeks heating in embarrassment at Jace’s direct question. He looked down and nodded, his reply so quiet Jace almost couldn’t hear it, “Yes.”

Jace felt his heart swell with pain and sympathy as he got out, “Alec.”

Alec looked at him again as he said in a comforting tone, “But that moment was the spell.”

Jace nodded as he replied in as strong a tone as he was able given how affected this conversation was making him, “I know.”

They sat in silence again for a few moments, fighting to come to terms with it all.

Alec fiddled with his drink, looking at it instead of Jace as he added softly, “You stop me you know. When things are bad then the thought of you, you and Magnus, stop me.”

“From killing yourself?” Jace asked, needing to clarify what he meant by that.

Alec nodded as he said softly, “Yes.”

“Good,” Jace managed to say over the lump in his throat, sending waves of love and comfort through the bond to Alec.

Alec looked at Jace then, his stare firm and intense as he elaborated, “When the pain inside gets too much I remember we are parabatai so me hurting myself too much or even dying would hurt you, so I control myself.”

Jace smiled in relief at hearing that but then frowned as he realized the same should be true for him as well.

“Whereas I go headfirst into danger,” Jace admitted with a shake of his head. He gave Alec a wry smile as he added, “Some parabatai.”

“You are a great parabatai,” Alec insisted in a strong tone.

Jace smiled at that and they sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, their bond now open and filled with love as affection and comfort floated between them.

“I won’t ask you to promise to not get depressed or some other bullshit,” Jace said thoughtfully after reflecting on what Alec had told him, looking at his parabatai.

Alec nodded as he said softly, “Thank you for that.”

“But can you promise you will come to me when you feel bad?” Jace pleaded, looking intensely at him.

“Jace,” Alec began, looking down again, fiddling with his glass.

Jace squeezed Alec’s knee as he asked softly, tears in his voice, “If you really want to hurt yourself I will let you and if you truly wish to die let me go with you.”

Alec looked horrified at him as he said strongly, “Never!”

Jace smiled a bit then as he said in a strong voice filled with anguish, “Don’t be selfish, Alec. We share a soul. Don’t leave me with the pain of a broken bond; it might not kill my body but it would break me in every way that matters.”

Alec was about to protest again before he reflected on it and asked in a challenging tone, “Can you promise the same then? That you won’t do something rash that would mean you leave me behind?” Alec paused before he added truthfully, “I have spent enough of my life enduring; don’t leave me behind to do that again. I might survive a broken bond, but I wouldn’t be alive.”

Jace thought about it. It was a fair question, a fair demand, and he gave it the careful consideration the seriousness of the proposed vow they were talking about demanded.

“I promise to try,” Jace finally offered with a smile.

Alec nodded, smiling relieved as he said, “In that case I will promise the same. I will try and come to you and you will try the same.”

“Before things get too bad,” Jace added sternly.

Alec smiled warmly before he offered his hand as he said, “Deal. We go together or not at all.”

Jace smiled back as he shook Alec’s hand with his hand around his wrist, warrior style as he said firmly, “Deal; together or not at all and let’s make it not at all!”

When they released each other they both took a sip of their drink, feeling calmed by their new vow.

“You know after meeting Magnus I feel like I have every conversation twice,” Alec admitted with a fond smile, clearly trying to lighten the mood after their heavy and emotional talk.

“He talked to you too about this? In detail?” Jace asked with an approving smile.

Alec nodded, “Yes.”

“Good. I like him more now knowing that,” Jace admitted with a grin, his tone teasing because saving Alec from killing himself was really all the proof he needed that Magnus was ok in his book.

Alec smiled at that as he said, “I thought you would.”

Jace put his drink on the table and hugged Alec close for a moment. Alec put his arms around him as well and held on tightly, making sure not to spill the leftover liquid in his glass he still had in his hand. The bond filled with warmth and love, making both boys smile happily.

When Jace drew back he kept an arm on Alec’s shoulder, giving him an intense look as he said, “You matter, Alec. Never think otherwise.”

Alec smiled warmly, squeezing Jace’s hand on his shoulder as he said emotionally and heartfelt, “Thank you. So do you.”

They both felt better after that, their bond open and warm, filled with love and affection, their new vow calming them and soothing their hearts and souls. 

_The end of part 6_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A comment would mean a lot to me and make my day so if you are enjoying the story please do let me know. Or leave a kudos; always much appreciated.  
> Thank you so much.


	7. Lean On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec starts to spiral into depression after Magnus left him over the Soul Sword episode. Jace tries to let Alec deal with it on his own until he has had enough of feeling Alec's pain in the bond and interferes with some direct advice, brotherly affection and parabatai protectiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Chapter warnings: Referenced child abuse, referenced beatings, referenced discrimination against Downworlders and homophobia. Thoughts/talk about racism relating to blood and race. References to depression and Alec's attempted suicide at Max's rune ceremony. Alec selfharms by overtraining and Alec selfharming in general is addressed. Mention Magnus having suffered in the past but not detailed. References Magnus being immortal and having met Alec and Jace's ancestors. Mentions Magnus having had past lovers and relationships. References Jace having had nightmares. Alec sleeps in Jace's bed and Jace reads to him like when they were kids. Debates how much knowledge Magnus would likely have on Idris, Valentine and Maryse and their connection to the Circle as well as Magnus' referenced dislike for Nephilim in the start of the TV show.  
> Talk of the Malec breakup. Jace being protective of Alec, which includes being upset with Magnus. I am not doing Magnus' POV but as Alec and Jace talk about then his friends would be giving Jace's speeches in reverse. As Jace also mentions then this chapter is not about who's to blame for the breakup but about the despair Alec feels.  
> If I add more warnings for you guys the warnings will be longer than the chapter! LOL

_Please read chapter notes for detailed chapter warnings_

# Chapter 7: Lean On Me

Things had changed a lot in a short time. Valentine had escaped and had revealed that Jace wasn’t in fact his son but a Herondale, the closest to royalty in Idris. This meant at once no one dared to even look wrong at him! He was more than the admired best warrior in all of Idris he had been before it had been revealed that Valentine was his father; he was untouchable now.

That of course also meant Clary was not his sister which made him feel a lot better about himself. However, now she was dating Simon and he didn’t want to ruin that. Besides, the truth about his inheritance came with some painful memories and hard learned lessons as such moments often did for Jace, distracting him from his longing for the beautiful redhead with the bitter aftertaste of pain and regret.

Jace had had to do some rather unpleasant soul searching when he had activated the Soul Sword and killed all Downworlders who were nearby. Then when he had met his real grandmother, he had agreed to put chips into all Downworlders. He hadn’t struggled with it at all; he had gladly done it, happy to follow his grandmother, to _have_ a grandmother, even if she was a woman he had just met. Jace had been left to accept his desire to have a family was so great he had ignored all logic and had trusted Valentine on his word alone he was his son and had demon blood. Instead he should have reflected on it and realized that Valentine, a mass murdering psychopath, would of course be lying and manipulating him. And he had walked right into Valentine’s trap. So stupid! Then he had ignored all sense of morality just to please a grandmother he had just met! Instead he should have talked both situations over calmed and logically before acting.

The guilt Jace struggled with was less for the Downworlders the Soul Sword had killed; friendly fire was a fact of war after all and something all soldiers had to accept and be able to live with. No, it was the feeling both situations could easily have been prevented if he hadn’t been so eager for family, so eager to fit in.

Jace had later talked with Alec about both situations and doing so he had realized how stupid he had been. Why rush headfirst into danger for family he had just met when he already had a family who loved and supported him? He had Alec as his brother and parabatai and he had Izzy and Max too. He didn’t need anyone else.

It had taken time but finally both Alec and Jace had gotten to a good place. Jace had been able to forgive himself and Alec had gotten more confident as the new leader of the Institute, a role Jace was more than happy to pass on to him. He was a soldier and always would be. Alec was a leader, a true leader. For the Nephilim of the future and for a new and changed Shadow World. Jace was proud to stand by his side and see Alec guide their people, the whole Shadow World, towards a better future.

Things had been going well for them both. The only thing that was lacking for Jace was Clary, but he was happy she was happy. Of course, things going well meant that something had to go wrong. So, first Izzy had revealed she was an addict and then Max had been hurt. Then the final straw; Magnus leaving Alec! Of all the shocking news Jace had gotten that last one had been the least expected as Magnus and Alec had always seemed so in love.

To add to the shock of the breakup then Magnus had left Alec right outside Max’s sickbed. Logically Jace knew Magnus had his own baggage and stuff going on, but that was for Magnus’ friends to care about. Personally, he was ready to murder the guy for doing this to Alec! Damnit! He had told Magnus Alec was sensitive; what the fuck did the Warlock think he meant by that?!

Jace knew for Alec there would never be another man in his life. There would never be another love for him. No one other than Magnus. Like all Nephilim he had loved once, fiercely, and he would never love again.

Alec had gone through various stages of grief after Magnus had left him; first denial. He had tried everything to get Magnus back; apologized furiously, left messages, tried to speak with him in any form, from fire messages to handwritten letters. Magnus had never answered even one of them. In typical Alec fashion he had skipped the anger stage of grief so Jace and Izzy had more than gladly done that stage for him. Then he had tried to bargain with Magnus, offering anything he wanted if the Warlock would just please return to him in some shape or form. But none of his messages or offers were ever answered. Then came depression. Denial. For a boy who had struggled with depression most of his life this time it felt worse. Alec’s pain felt worse; more soul destroying, deeper than any pain or agony Jace had ever felt from Alec or felt himself. Jace felt it in the bond like a black hole, sucking all light and life and laughter out of everything and anyone.

Jace had thought Alec would reach acceptance at some point; accept that Magnus was gone and move on and he sort of did. However, Alec’s acceptance of the loss of the one and only man he had ever loved was soul crushing, painful beyond words and filled with despair. Alec felt guilty, not good enough and accepted that as facts, as explanations for Magnus leaving him.

Jace had thought if Magnus just replied to Alec, even once, saying it wasn’t about him, that Alec was perfect the way he was, but Magnus was just dealing with his own crap…then maybe Alec would hurt less. He had tried to reach Magnus to ask this of him, to ask if he had ever truly loved Alec to give him that closure. Magnus had saved Alec from jumping off a fucking ledge; Alec having depressive and suicidal tendences and some very large self-esteem issues were not precisely unknown to the Warlock. But Magnus hadn’t taken any of Jace’s messages either nor had he seen him when he had shown up at his door; refusing to open or even acknowledge Jace’s loud yelling or insistent hammering on his door for more than twenty minutes.

So Jace had tried to just be there. A silent support. He had helped Alec pretend everything was ok even though Alec was in so much pain Jace was unable to close the bond between them. He had fought not to react when he had felt Alec hurting himself the way he always did to deal with his mental pain. He had told himself Alec needed to find his way out himself, that he was there when Alec needed him. He had offered often enough to talk, to listen or just to hug him, but Alec was wearing an armor around his feelings and had refused every time. Jace understood, he really did. Alec was afraid that if he opened up, if he admitted to his pain then everything would collapse. Jace got that. When things were really bad for him then he did it too. They were two of a kind like that. However, despite understanding it then Jace needed to be there for Alec. He needed Alec to _let_ him be there.

Jace had tried to be patient, but he had reached his limit now. He had felt Alec’s pain in the bond for a while now, knowing he was in one of the training rooms. It had started around 2 at night and it was almost 4 now. It was bad enough to have to feel it in the bond that Alec’s heart was breaking more and more day by day, the agony by now a constant companion for both Alec and him. But the pain, the physical pain, Alec was inflicting on himself was getting worse and worse, so strong that Alec couldn’t close off the bond completely, making Jace feel it when Alec’s skin broke, when his bones broke, when he bled.

But enough was enough! Jace had been understanding and patient of Alec’s way of handling his pain long enough!

Jace had gotten out of bed, fighting down the anger that followed with his worry as he quickly dressed. Anger because Alec didn’t let him in, anger because he didn’t want Alec to suffer and he did, anger because he was fucking helpless to fix this mess and Jace hated feeling helpless!

Alec was in such turmoil locating him using their rune was easy. He was alone in one of the training rooms, not noticing Jace entering, so focused on his punishing training. He was sweating and bruised after having been going at it for hours now. Jace wasn’t surprised to find Alec hitting a punching bag with bloody and bruised fists, again and again, some bones in his hands having more than likely broken, explaining the stabbing pain Jace was feeling from Alec in the bond. Alec’s eyes were glassy and the bag was already painted red, making Jace mentally wince.

Overtraining in this way was one of Alec’s go to ways to deal with his internal pain and going at it against the punching bag – or shotting arrows on the rooftop – was among Alec’s most trusted go to forms of self-punishment.

“Alec,” Jace said as calmly as he could as he walked over to him, sending comfort to him in the bond.

Jace made sure to keep his anxiety and worry for Alec to himself, not wanting to add to Alec’s feelings of guilt by making Alec feel that.

Alec didn’t look up at him as he kept hitting the bag.

“Not now,” Alec said breathlessly.

Alec normally wanted to hide this side of himself, hide that he did this to deal with his pain. That he kept going now that Jace was here worried him even more. He reached for Alec in their bond and felt Alec’s agony slam into his soul full force. Jace had to close their connection a bit again to not get swept up in Alec’s darkness and despair.

“Alec!” Jace said more forcefully as he stood right before him.

“Not now, Jace!” Alec said sharply, still not looking at him, still hitting the bag.

Jace frowned in worry at seeing Alec’s bruised and bleeding hands make contact with the bag again and again. Unsure what else to do Jace mentally activated his runes and caught both of Alec’s wrists in his, pulling him towards him and away from the bag.

“By the Angel! Stop this!” Jace almost yelled, giving Alec a pained look.

Alec squirmed and tried to pull his wrists free but as Alec hadn’t activated any runes and Jace had, plus his pure angel blood, meant that Alec had no chance of getting free.

“Let go. Now!” Alec demanded angrily, almost desperately, trying fruitlessly to get away again and again.

Jace tightened his grip, aware he was leaving his own marks on Alec but thinking it was better than letting him continue.

“No.”

“Jace!” Alec all but yelled, his voice and face twisted in agony.

Jace could feel Alec’s pain and the chaos in his soul in the bond as Alec kept fighting him.

“Calm down. Now!” Jace ordered sharply, refusing to let go of him.

“Fuck you!” Alec yelled furiously.

“Calm down!” Jace yelled back just as loudly, his voice filled with emotions.

Alec kept struggling for a few more moments, starting to hyperventilate.

“Breathe. Just breathe,” Jace said in a calming tone, his eyes filled with worry and concern, care and sympathy.

Alec shook his head as he bit his lower lip till it bled and continued to pull his hands back to no avail. Then suddenly his strength left him as tears ran down his cheeks and he collapsed against Jace, sobbing into his shoulder. Left with taking his full weight Jace lowered them to the floor. He released Alec’s wrists but immediately pulled him into a tight embrace. Alec held around him, holding so tight it was almost bruising but Jace didn’t mind, relieved to finally see Alec show his pain in a more productive way.

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” Jace said calmly, softly, stroking his hair tenderly, a lump in his throat at the pain he felt from Alec.

Alec clung to him, his tears being absorbed by Jace’s sweater as his breathing slowly started to return to normal. They sat like that for a long while before Alec had finally calmed down enough to pull back from Jace.

“Sorry,” Alec said sheepishly, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand.

Jace shook his head as he gave him a warm but worried smile. He caught Alec’s right hand in his, seeing the bruises and the torn flesh on his knuckles.

“Alec, you are hurting,” Jace said agonized, drawing smoothing circles on Alec’s hand with his thumb the few places where the skin wasn’t torn and bleeding.

Alec blushed and pulled his hand back.

“Jace,” Alec began, sounding lost and sad.

“Alec, talk to me,” Jace pleaded, aware he was sounding almost desperate, but he was at the end of his rope.

Alec bit his lower lip, wincing at the pain from the cut he had made earlier, as he shook his head, “No.”

“Please,” Jace begged, putting a hand on Alec’s arm.

Alec looked down as he mumbled embarrassed, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You are hurting yourself again. You promised we would talk about that,” Jace reminded him kindly but with a hint of strength.

Alec hesitated but then admitted softly, agonized, “I am dealing with some stuff.”

Jace nodded, knowing full well he meant the breakup.

“Alec, it wasn’t your fault,” Jace told him kindly but firmly.

Alec gave Jace a disbelieving look as he said angrily in a voice filled with self-hatred, “Of course, it was! If I had told Magnus of the Soul Sword…”

Jace shook his head as he interrupted sharply, “Alec, stop it!”

“What?” Alec asked confused.

“Magnus was being unreasonable,” Jace told him frankly, firmly.

“What?” Alec asked shocked. He shook his head as he insisted, “No, he wasn’t.”

Jace fought to control his temper as he said, “Stop defending him for once for the love of the Angel! He’s a man; not God! He’s allowed to have flaws, you know!”

Alec seemed taken back by Jace’s anger as he asked confused, “What?”

Jace took a deep and calming breath, rearranging himself a bit to sit better on the floor, but keeping Alec close so he could physically hold him if he should decide to bolt before he felt they had talked this through and Alec was in a better state mentally.

“Look, I like Magnus a lot, I really do but he is dealing with his own shit. Dumping his insecurities on you isn’t fair to either of you,” Jace said honestly.

Alec looked at him as if he had grown two heads as he protested, “What are you talking about? Magnus had every right to demand honesty from his boyfriend.”

“Yes, for matters relating to your relationship,” Jace agreed. He paused before he went on, his expression hardening as he said, “You knew of the Soul Sword for moments before you met up with Magnus that night. It was a military secret. You are in a military organization.”

“Magnus deserved better than what I could give him,” Alec insisted heartbroken.

“Maybe but then he shouldn’t have picked a Shadowhunter,” Jace told him matter of fact, his voice leaving no room for doubt. “Asking you to commit treason within hours of knowing the secret you would be betraying was unreasonable and frankly insensitive to you with the knowledge he surely must have of the Idris you has been brought up in.”

“Jace!” Alec objected hotly, giving him an angry look. “Magnus didn’t…”

Jace put a finger close to his lips, silencing him as he interrupted in a pleading tone, “Alec, listen to me, please.”

When Jace removed his finger, Alec nodded as he said hesitantly, guardedly, “Ok.”

Jace took a deep and calming breath, trying to find the right words.

“I am not saying Magnus is a bad guy. Not at all. I think he did love you. I think he may still love you, but his fears and insecurities made him blame you and lash out at you for no reason,” Jace explained slowly, looking intensely at Alec as he spoke.

“Magnus has had thousands of lovers, hundreds of relationships. What insecurities are you talking about?” Alec asked confused. He paused for a moment before he added sadly, his voice filled with self-discrimination, “If I just had been more experienced, been bolder…”

“Alec, you are the bravest man I know, and you have risked more for love than anyone ever has,” Jace reminded him kindly when Alec’s voice died away.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that Magnus has known Shadowhunters all his life. He has always known what Idris stands for. He has known our ancestors; even been friendly with them. He knows the punishments the Clave gives; he knows the punishment for breaking the rules. I know you never told him about what the Clave did to you or what your parents did, but he still knew; Magnus isn’t stupid. He knows Maryse was Valentine’s second in command; he knew them both at the time of the Uprising. He knows all about the Clave and their flair for torture and physical punishments; if nothing else then Aldertree torturing Raphael should have brought it home for him that the Clave never changed in that regard,” Jace said slowly, reflectively.

“I guess neither of us wanted to bring that darkness into our relationship, our love. I know I didn’t. That’s why I never spoke with him about it. I wanted our relationship to be about us, about good things,” Alec admitted softly.

“I get that, I do, but the fact that you broke so many rules for him…Not only is it a testament of your great love for him, but Magnus would have known just how huge a statement that was; the kiss at the wedding thing. Having dealt with Idris and the Clave for hundreds of years…he knew precisely what he asked of you and I personally think that he wanted that commitment from you in order to be able to love, truly love, a Shadowhunter,” Jace said contemplatively.

“Because Shadowhunters have hurt him and his people so much. Like I did with the Soul Sword. I proved to Magnus I was just like all the other Nephilim he has ever met,” Alec said sadly.

“That is likely the difference between you and Magnus or you and me for that matter,” Jace said after a moment of reflection. At Alec’s questioning look Jace explained, “You never once considered Magnus as someone from the enemy race; he was always aware of what your runes meant. He could never _not_ be aware. And so was I; that was how I was raised.”

“What does that mean?” Alec asked puzzled.

“It means Magnus and I…. for different reasons we never forgot the blood or race that separate Nephilim and Downworlders. We just choose to disregard it. However, you truly never _see_ blood or race; you never have. So, the Soul Sword thing…Magnus saw that, was hurt by that, reacted to that, as a consequence of his past painful experiences with Nephilim. You interpret his reaction as based purely on you but Alec; this didn’t really have anything to do with you,” Jace assured him, strongly but kindly.

Alec was silent for a moment, looking down at his bruised hands, his eyes clouded with pain.

“I would have told him, you know. I would have told him about the Soul Sword or any other military secret if he had asked it of me,” Alec told Jace quietly, agonized.

Jace nodded, a lump in his throat, “I know.”

“I thought I had more time. That I had time to create peace, to create a situation so I didn’t have to choose between my people and my love. I thought I had time,” Alec said softly, quietly, tears starting to run down his cheeks again.

“Maybe there is still time, but you have to stop spiraling,” Jace said emotionally as he wiped a tear from Alec’s left cheek with a small smile.

Alec wiped the rest of his tears away and sniffled. He gave Jace an embarrassed smile as he said, “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. That I’m…”

“Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about,” Jace interrupted firmly but gently.

“If I could redo it all I would not even have tried to make peace. I would have made Magnus realize he was my number one priority; always,” Alec told him regretfully, loss and longing in his eyes.

Jace shook his head as he said with certainty, “I am sure when Magnus has time to calm down and reflect on things that he will realize he was being clouded by his own fears and insecurities and that you’re the best thing that ever happened to him.”

Alec smiled a bit wishfully at that before he asked, “You think his friends are telling him the same thing?”

“Likely but my version is better,” Jace teased, putting as much arrogance into his words as he could to get Alec to smile.

Alec couldn’t help but grin despite his despair and pain, “Of course.”

Jace got serious as he said, “Alec, you really didn’t do anything wrong. Demanding your military boyfriend reveal military secrets the moment they learn of them and then leaving them at their brother’s sickbed….”

“You seem to forget I am not exactly perfect myself. I don’t show my emotions easily, I’m repressed, struggling with a lot of stuff….not to mention the baggage of the Clave, my parents….Magnus could have picked anyone and he chose me. He should have chosen someone who was easier to love,” Alec said sadly.

Jace shook his head as he teased, trying to cheer Alec up, “Nah. That would have been boring.”

Alec smiled at that.

“Besides, I’m your brother and parabatai. It is my duty to cheer you up and hate on your ex’s. It is in the manual,” Jace went on with a teasing smile.

Alec snorted amused, letting Jace’s teasing cheer him up as he said, “There’s no manual.”

“The parabatai manual. You don’t know it?” Jace asked, pretending to be shocked.

Alec shook his head, still smiling, as he gave back almost by instinct, “If there was such a manual, I would be hating on like half of the Seelie women in the Realm with your book club adventures.”

“Half? Much more than that, I can tell you,” Jace insisted, winking at him.

“You are irresistible,” Alec agreed with a smile still on his lips.

“Of course,” Jace boasted proudly. Then he paused and got more serious when Alec’s smile and amusement started to face away. He gave Alec an intense look as he said, “Alec, about Magnus…Your own fears and insecurities just amplified his own. If I am being completely neutral and honest for a moment, then it’s no one’s fault. You have both been hurt so much and have a lot of baggage. Maybe it can be repaired. Maybe it can’t. But it wasn’t your fault, Alec. It truly wasn’t.”

Alec was silent for a moment, thinking about Jace’s words. Then he sighed deeply and smiled softly as he said emotionally and heartfelt, “Thank you for saying that.”

Jace was about to smile, thinking Alec got it but then he searched Alec’s face and probed the bond and his heart ached again.

“You still don’t really believe me, do you? You still feel you did something wrong?” Jace said sadly with a shake of his head.

“I can’t believe you, not really,” Alec admitted in a lost tone.

Jace knew he couldn’t stop that; he couldn’t undo years of insecurities. More than that then Magnus had been Alec’s first and only relationship, lover…his first kiss. His first everything. His first and his only. Jace sighed but when he probed the bond and found Alec was calmer, for now at least, that gave him some hope.

“Can I iratze these now at least?” Jace asked, taking Alec’s right hand in his, nodding to the injuries on his hand.

Alec nodded a bit shyly, blushing at seeing the injuries he had inflicted upon himself. Jace took out his steele from his pocket and drew an iratze on each of Alec’s wrists and the wounds and injuries on his hands and the rest of his arms and upper body healed and closed at once. Both of them sighed in relief as Alec’s physical pain lessened. A part of Jace wished he could heal Alec’s heart just as easily.

“Thank you,” Alec said softly as Jace put away his steele.

Jace smiled, knowing he didn’t really mean for the iratzes. He rose and helped Alec to his feet. He could feel Alec’s physical and mental exhaustion in the bond from the ordeal he had just been through, so he wasn’t surprised when Alec swayed a bit on his feet though he quickly forced himself to stand upright.

“I wish I could ask you at least to stop hurting yourself,” Jace said softly, wishfully, as they walked out of the training room together, knowing it wasn’t the deal they had made but he still wished it at times.

Alec was quiet for a few moments before he offered softly, “I will close the bond better.”

Jace shook his head as he said sharply, almost panicked, “No. Don’t close the bond.”

“What?” Alec asked surprised.

“Don’t. If you want to hurt yourself, I want to know about it, so I can be sure you don’t overdo it,” Jace told him frankly, worry clear in his voice and eyes.

Alec blushed and looked down as he said embarrassed, “Jace…”

“Alec, I mean it,” Jace warned, his tone strong and sure.

“Ok, fine,” Alec relented, feeling Jace’s worry and concern in the bond.

They stopped in front of Jace’s room, Alec’s being next door. Alec’s room had been empty for months as Alec had lived with Magnus. Now he was back again, just next door but Jace felt Alec was further away from him now than he had ever been in his life, his pain at losing Magnus like a physical wall around Alec.

Jace hesitated for only a second before he opened the door to his room.

“Shower here and then stay,” Jace said, his voice sounding strong but hiding a vulnerability he only ever let Alec see and feel in the bond.

“We are no longer children, Jace,” Alec protested, blushing embarrassed at the offer.

However, Jace could tell how cold and lonely Alec felt, how much he didn’t want to be alone in his dark room, how his own room no longer felt comfortable or safe or like home any longer.

“I know but you are always my brother and my parabatai,” Jace reminded him warmly.

Deciding he wasn’t waiting for Alec to admit he needed someone to comfort him Jace took Alec’s right wrist and pulled him into his room, closing the door behind them.

“Ok, ok,” Alec agreed, sounding reluctant but Jace could feel his relief at being taken care in their bond.

When Jace pushed Alec towards the bathroom he went willingly.

When Alec exited the bathroom, washed, and dried, having borrowed a shirt and some sweatpants off Jace, he was smiling a bit, blushing embarrassed at having his younger parabatai take care of him like this.

“Get into the bed. You are exhausted. I can feel it. You are making me feel drained,” Jace mock complained, hoping Alec would obey if he felt it was to help him.

“Ok. Sorry about that,” Alec quickly said, giving Jace a worried look as he got into Jace’s bed.

Jace was a bit overwhelmed with how fragile and small Alec looked in the bed, almost liked a frightened child. Alec looked so lost, his eyes huge and anguished that Jace couldn’t help himself from tugging Alec in properly, pulling the blankets around him, just like Alec had done when he had first arrived to stay with the Lightwoods.

“I will read to you a bit while you fall asleep,” Jace decided after a few moments, unsure what else to do to try and help Alec, feeling so helpless to ease his agony.

A part of him really wanted to go get Magnus here by any means necessary and force him to talk to Alec; at knifepoint if needs be! But he knew that wasn’t possible. Still, one could wish.

Alec looked surprised at him and Jace reminded him warmly, “You used to do that for me when we were kids when I had had a nightmare or felt bad and it always calmed me.”

Alec nodded shyly, looking emotional. Jace started to read a book he picked out from his bookshelf, sitting in a chair next to the bed. His voice was calming and smoothing and soon Alec’s eyelids fluttered as he started to drift off to sleep.

“Thank you. I love you. Brother, parabatai,” Alec mumbled sleepily, a small smile on his lips as he managed to forget his pain for a few moments, sending love and affection through the bond.

Jace sent love and care back to Alec through the bond. He caught the hand Alec was reaching for him as he replied emotionally, “I love you too, Alec.”

Alec drifted off to sleep to the sound of Jace’s voice, getting his first good sleep since Magnus had left him. Jace didn’t sleep but he felt more refreshed the next morning than he had since Magnus had left Alec. Jace felt calmed by knowing that he had helped just a little. That at least for a few moments he had been able to soothe a bit of the agony Magnus leaving had left behind. Jace was determined to use this opening to ensure he was there for Alec so he could help him through this Hell Alec was living as much as was possible.

Luckily, Jace would end up being proven right as Magnus and Alec got back together. However, the future would present new heartbreaking challenges for the parabatai and their brotherhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you are enjoying the story.


	8. Don’t Shut Me Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec talk after Jace is freed from the Owl and almost killed Alec and he started to act restless on missions in his grief over Clary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers as always.  
> Chapter warnings: Talk of dying in a 'blaze of glory', depression and guilt.

_Please read the chapter notes for chapter warnings_

# Chapter 8: Don’t Shut Me Out

Jace knew he had fucked up. Again. First, he hadn’t told Alec the truth about dying. Not only had he not told him the truth, but he had also lied to his face. Repeatedly. Even after Alec had insisted he had felt it, that he knew the truth. He had left Alec to deal with the shocking effects of having felt him die, felt his parabatai and therefore a part of his very soul, die and then revive a few moments later, refusing to confirm it, to sooth his hurt. He had told himself it had been for the best; that it was to protect Alec. But deep down he knew he was doing precisely what he had promised Alec he would stop doing. He had tried to solve it on his own and had proven, quite spectacularly, that Alec had been right that doing so wasn’t the right cause of action.

Then he had denied having visions of Jonathan and things had just spiraled out of control from there. Again, like before, they had all landed in a horrible mess because he had made all the wrong decisions and hadn’t done the obvious thing. He hadn’t talked to Alec, trusting him with his weaknesses and his secrets.

He knew logically he wasn’t to blame for what the Owl had done but he _was_ to blame for staying silent. The second fact had amplified his guilt of the first till the point of living, breathing ,becoming an unbearable agony. He kept remembering and feeling the Owl's actions until all he remembered was his hands killing innocents, killing his grandmother, hurting Clary. When he had said that to Alec, he had left out the worst pain; that he had seen his hands hurt and almost kill Alec. His own parabatai. He had seen the hurt in Alec’s eyes that he hadn’t even mentioned him when he had explained to Alec what had hurt him regarding his time being possessed by the Owl, but talking about that was just too painful to even comprehend.

On top of all of that Magnus had given his magic to save his life and Clary was dead. It was just all too much to carry. Too much of a burden. Too many people had sacrificed to get him back. He couldn’t deal with that. He didn’t feel he was worth all of that and yet clearly others did. Being the chosen one was a burden that few would understand.

Today, when Alec had yelled at him and berated him for being reckless on their missions Jace had known he was right. He had been selfish and stupid and being reckless on missions was like a big fuck you to Magnus for his sacrifice, to Alec who had almost died, to Clary who _had_ died. To everyone. But the pain was too great, the agony too profound. He couldn't deal with it. He pretended not to see Magnus was drinking more and more and spiraling into depression, knowing his loss of his magic and immortality was the cause of it. Yet he pretended not to see it and so did everyone else as if pretending made it go away. He pretended not to see Alec's pain as Alec struggled to keep everything afloat and deal with it all on his own. He pretended not to feel that Alec was seeking release from the stress and burdens of his office in self-harm once again. Jace pretended not to see any of it because he couldn't deal with it. He couldn't even deal with himself. Most mornings all he felt like doing was stay in bed and not move, not even breathe. Clary had been his ticket to salvation, to happiness, and she was gone now. His grandmother was gone. Everything had gone to ruin. He was here, breathing, and he didn't deserve to be! The more Alec told him he was worth it the angrier he got with Alec; the worse he treated him and the more reckless he came. He knew things had really started to spin out of control when he had gone from reckless to toying with death, inviting it in the way he had today.

He felt horrible about it now. Not because he wanted to live; he still felt lost and in too much pain to see life as anything but a burden. But he had broken the vow Alec and he had made. The vow to not make such decisions without the other. To not die purposely without the other. And yet Jace knew Alec was clever enough to know he had tried, again, to go out in a blaze of glory. Alec might have been standing on a ledge, once literally and several times figuratively, but Jace was really no better. He just chose his method of suicide in a more ‘acceptable’ way for a Shadowhunter. But at the end of the day he was still breaking the vow he had made to Alec for he had tried to take his own life without once considering it would affect Alec too, that it would kill Alec too in all ways that mattered. All Jace had been thinking about was ending the pain within. Ending his _own_ pain. All he had been thinking about was himself. Not Alec. Again, not Alec. Brilliant. More guilt to add to his ever-growing pile of guilt. Now that he was grounded by Alec, he had two choices; drown his sorrows in booze or go seek out Luke whom would surely be hurting too, having lost the child he had raised since infancy as his own.

He had just finished showering and dressing to go see Luke when Alec entered his room, closing the door behind him.

“Jace,” Alec said softly, giving him an intense look.

“Alec,” Jace replied, looking away, finding it hard to look at Alec these days without feeling guilty, without imagining himself killing him, his blood literally on his hands.

“Can we talk?” Alec asked calmly.

That set off all the alarms in Jace’s head. He didn’t want to talk; he couldn’t. He was afraid if he did, he would start to feel and if he started to feel all of this guilt and hurt and loneliness he was afraid he would break down completely.

“Maybe later. I’m busy,” Jace lied as he tried to walk past Alec and leave the room.

Alec stepped into his personal space, stopping him from leaving as he accused, “You are ignoring me.”

Jace sighed, giving up pretending for once as he asked in a small and pained voice, “What do you want me to say, Alec?”

Alec bit his lower lip nervously, for once abandoning his leader and Head of the Institute armor that he wore more and more these days as a way to get by, to survive the pain Alec himself was feeling but had no time to feel, his focus on others, on the greater good.

“That you hate me,” Alec said quietly, agonized, avoiding Jace’s eyes.

Jace looked confused at him as he said shocked, “What? Why would I hate you?!”

Alec shrugged as he sat on Jace’s bed, Jace sitting down next to him, looking worried at him.

“I didn’t save you. I didn’t save Clary,” Alec admitted, his guilt and self-hatred clear in his tone.

“What do you mean? I am here,” Jace insisted, feeling the familiar pain of Clary’s loss tear at his heart.

Alec shook his head as he reminded him, “Magnus saved you. Magnus sacrificed everything for you. I did nothing.” He paused before he added anguished, “Magnus is suffering now, powerless and mortal, without his magic and feeling completely lost. He is depressed and sad and pretending everything is fine and so I am pretending too and it’s a mess."

"I'm sorry," Jace got out. He felt Alec's pain in the bond so strongly it almost made him fall off the bed from the intensity.

Alec took a shaky breath before he went on, tears in the corners of his eyes, "I just got him back and now I am losing him again. He is right here with me and I am losing him. He gave up everything that make him who he is for me. Because I asked him to help me save you. And you…You are suffering now for losing Clary.”

Jace took a deep breath as well, first now seeing how much Alec was suffering. Alec had been so strong, so busy trying to save everyone he had had no time to save himself.

He put a calming hand on Alec’s knee as he said seriously, “Alec, I’m _so_ sorry. I’ve been selfish. Trying to hurt myself over Clary is selfish. I hurt you too. I’m sorry.”

Alec looked down, wringing his hands in his lap as he said in a lost and pained tone, “No. I deserve it. I deserve to hurt for what I did. For failing like that.”

Alec looked so small and lost, so vulnerable sitting here next to him, so different from the leader he had been in the operations room just moments before that it broke Jace’s heart and truly drove it home to him just how much pain Alec was in. Jace was left to wonder and marvel at how well Alec could hide his pain, making Jace truly see the effects that being raised by Maryse, Valentine’s second in command, had had on Alec. In some ways Alec was more scared and repressed when it came to showing pain, love, and emotions than he was, having to always be strong as he was the Head of the Institute now, always a leader. Alec had never been allowed to be a child, to be a teenager and rebel. Jace hadn't ever been a kid either but he had been a teenager; he had rebelled and broken rules and disobeyed orders. Alec had always been the responsible one. At this moment Jace mourned that for Alec. Mourned the childhood and youth Alec had never had and would never have.

“You seemed so strong before,” Jace couldn’t help but say.

Alec looked at him as he shrugged before replying, “I had to be. I try to be. Everyone needs me strong.”

“You can feel too,” Jace reminded him gently.

Alec sighed as he shook his head and replied in a pained tone, “No, I can’t.”

“Alec,” Jace began, wanting to help ease the pain he could see and feel from Alec now but unsure how to do it so his voice faded away.

Jace realized Alec had been hurting for a while now but he had been in too much pain himself to notice it in the bond or pay attention to it in his eyes.

Alec turned to look at Jace, his gaze strong, intense, and sure as he told him, “Jace, I forgive you.”

“What?” Jace asked, confused.

Alec gave a small smile as he tried to explain, “In the bond….I can feel your guilt. For…”

“Hurting you? Killing you?” Jace asked directly when Alec couldn’t say it, his voice filled with self-hatred and guilt.

Alec quickly put a calming and sympathetic hand to Jace’s knee as he reminded him, “I lived.”

“Barely. Only because of Magnus,” Jace reminded him pained.

Jace almost winced when he said the name. Magnus. He had been avoiding him, knowing that the Warlock's nonchalant approach to losing his magic was a front but unable to deal with the guilt of having ruined Magnus’ life too as he had ruined so many lives lately. So, he had been avoiding him and Magnus had done likewise. What a pair they made, Magnus and him. Playing pretend while Alec was left to pick up the pieces of their actions and rash decisions.

“But I did,” Alec insisted stubbornly, clearly intent on making Jace stop feeling guilty.

“I killed you,” Jace told him frankly, anguished.

Alec shook his head as he said firmly, strongly, “No. The Owl tried to kill me and didn’t succeed.”

“It was my hands. My body. I can't forget that. I can't unsee it. I keep seeing it, feeling it, reliving it. I killed you; my own parabatai, my own brother. The Owl knew of all the pain and torment that one would be the worst; the ultimate betrayal,” Jace insisted, refusing to let Alec take this guilt from him like he tried to take all his burdens from him.

Alec gave him a sympathetic look as he said warmly, “I know. I’m so sorry you suffered so greatly. I would take all of that upon me if it would mean to spare you.”

Jace wasn’t sure what to say, completely taken back by Alec’s love and care. Alec was saying sorry to him?! To _him_ , after he had literally tried to kill him?!

“Alec,” Jace said emotionally, unsure what to say.

Alec smiled kindly as he pulled Jace into his arms, giving him a warm embrace. For a moment Jace sat frozen, unsure how to respond to this show of love and forgiveness, feeling unworthy of it. Then he closed his arms around Alec and held him close, soaking up Alec’s love and care eagerly, like a plant getting water in the desert.

“Jace, it’s ok. I love you,” Alec told him in a strong and sure voice, holding him safe and close.

Jace wasn’t aware he was crying, that Alec was crying until they pulled apart. They both wiped away their tears with a hint of embarrassment.

Jace shook his head as he said with a wry smile, “Alec, I almost kill you and you comfort _me_.”

Alec smiled back as he said, “It’s ok.”

Jace shook his head as he replied sadly, “It really isn’t but I love you so much I can’t give you up even if I know I should.”

“Why would you say that?” Alec asked confused.

“I am…broken. I let evil in. I may not have demon blood, but this proves…” Jace started to say, heartbroken.

Alec shook his head stubbornly as he said sharply, “Not another word, Jace!”

“What?” Jace asked, confused.

Alec took a deep and pained breath as he said, “I know you tried to kill yourself. Blaze of glory, remember?”

Jace looked down, embarrassed as he got out, “Sorry. I…”

“Don’t be sorry but we promised; if one go then we both go,” Alec interrupted, his voice filled with pain. He paused as he added anguished, “You were going to leave me behind.”

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight,” Jace admitted emotionally, tears in his voice and in the corners of his eyes.

“Promise me, please promise me….we stick to our vow. We go together or not at all!” Alec insisted emotionally, his voice shaking.

Jace nodded, a lump in his throat, “Yes, parabatai. I swear. We both go or not at all.”

“You will get through this, Jace. You are loved. You are safe. I will protect you. Care for you. Love you. You are my brother and parabatai, always,” Alec whispered softly, fighting to get the words out. Tears were starting to fall again as Alec pleaded, “Please…do not _ever_ leave me. I could not survive it.”

Jace nodded, fighting to speak over the tears and the emotions he was feeling, “I swear, my brother, my parabatai. I won’t let you down ever again. I shall stick to our vow.”

“That is all I ask,” Alec said with a grateful smile.

“Thank you and likewise for I could not survive without you either,” Jace said sincerely, emotionally, smiling softly, pulling Alec into a warm embrace once more.

“I love you, parabatai. Always. We will figure this out,” Alec swore against Jace’s ear as he held him tight.

Alec’s words and his touch made Jace feel better. Only Alec could make him feel like there was a chance, there was hope, even now.

“I love you too,” Jace said warmly, feeling Alec’s love and warmth flow through him in the bond.

When Jace left to see Luke he was feeling better, Alec’s affection and warmth coming freely to him through the bond and his tortured soul was drinking it all up eagerly. His broken heart and the coldness he had felt inside was slowly but surely being mended and healed by Alec’s stubborn care and devotion. When Jace then heard Clary might be alive he had felt hope unlike any he had ever felt before; hope that maybe everything would work out after all.

Jace came to realize as long as Alec and he were honest with each other, they could and would always be there for the other, they would always help each other through any obstacle and any anguish. And together, Jace and Alec were and would always be **invincible**!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you are enjoying the story. Would mean a lot to me.


	9. Protect Him Now And Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Magnus talk at Magnus and Alec’s wedding. Later Jace talks to Alec about seeing Clary again after her memories are returning a year after the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers as always.  
> Chapter warnings: None really. References to what happened in the past chapters and in the TV show.

_Please read chapter notes for detailed warnings_

# Chapter 9: Protect Him Now And Always

Jace was happy. He was happy and Alec was happy. Their happiness was like a feedback loop, being amplified and strengthened. Clary was back with him, Jonathan had been defeated and Alec and Magnus were getting married. Finally, things were going right. However, Jace would be remiss in his duties as a brother and a parabatai if he didn’t have a small talk with the Warlock who was going to own Alec’s heart as he owned a part of his soul.

Jace found Magnus in one of the rooms at the Institute, getting ready, adjusting his jacket in the large mirror. There was still a little time before the ceremony began and guests were still arriving.

“Jace,” Magnus greeted him, smiling as Jace entered the room and closed the door behind him.

“Magnus,” Jace said back, nodding and smiling in greeting.

They had gotten closer over time, mainly due to their shared love for Alec. However, neither of them had ever truly been able to open up to the other about emotions, needing Alec as a proxy for that. They still hadn’t really talked about how Magnus had given up his magic to help save Jace but Jace wasn’t sure they needed to. Magnus had done it for Alec and as long as they were on the same page there, that they would both do anything and everything for Alec, then things were fine between them. 

“You want something?” Magnus asked when he saw the determined look on Jace’s face.

Jace nodded seriously as he said, “Yep.”

“So?” Magnus asked, raising an eyebrow at him as he finished adjusting his jacket, giving him a questioning look.

Jace gave him a deadly calm glance as he folded his arms over his chest and said evenly, “If you hurt my brother _ever_ again, even _once_ , I will kill you.”

“What?” Magnus asked, surprised.

“I mean it,” Jace insisted with the same deadly calm that would make demons run and hide.

“Of course,” Magnus replied a bit confused. “I would never harm him. Ever.”

Seeing Magnus’ confusion Jace took a deep breath, deciding to be completely honest with him. Jace nodded to Magnus’ words before he added more softly than before with a hint of pain, “Alec has suffered a lot in his life. A lot of people have hurt him, me included. You included. However, he loves you, body and soul, like only a Nephilim can.” His eyes lit up with golden fire as Jace ended with saying, the warning in his tone and words clear, “Screw this up with him, break his heart again, and I will _end_ you.”

Magnus looked a bit dumbstruck for a moment as he just said, “Oh…”

Jace smiled widely, unfolding his arms and offering Magnus his hand.

“That said congratulations. I am happy for you guys,” Jace told him with a warm and sincere smile.

Magnus shook his hand, smiling back, considering his words carefully as he felt they deserved for they came from a place of love and care for the man he loved and was about to marry.

“Thanks.”

When the handshake ended Jace added, his voice warm with a hint of pleading, “Take care of him. Now and always. He’s precious and special. I am not sure he quite knows how much, being so busy thinking everyone else are far more important.”

Magnus smiled fondly, united with Jace in their shared love for Alec and their determination to protect him.

“He is. He most certainly is,” Magnus agreed with a loving look in his eyes.

“Good then. Happy that’s cleared up,” Jace said with a grin as he turned to walk out the room.

“And Jace?” Magnus said.

Jace stopped by the door and turned to face the Warlock as he asked, “Yes?”

“Thanks for trusting me with your parabatai. I know that can’t have been easy,” Magnus said seriously, insightfully.

Jace nodded at the words as he admitted, “It wasn’t but I would trust no one else but you with him.”

Magnus smiled at that and they shared a moment of respect and affection before Jace left to go join Alec at the altar.

The wedding had been amazing. The wedding night not so much. Just as the wedding had ended Clary had disappeared and no one knew where she had gone. Everything had been cancelled and everyone had been investigating it. Jace had found her letter and Alec had been there, comforting him. Magnus and Alec had of course cancelled their honeymoon in the light of such a tragedy.

Jace had moved in with Magnus and Alec at their strong insistence that very night, Jace’s pain and sorrow making tears fall from Alec’s eyes and making him want him close to take care of him at least symbolically.

Everyone had spent the coming months improving Downworlder relations in Idris while searching for a way to get Clary back. None had been as determined to see Clary back in Jace’s arms than Alec, wanting and needing his parabatai to be truly happy. A part of that need was because Alec loved Jace and wanted him happy more than he wanted to breathe, wanting to protect Jace, care for him, as he had done since he had first met him. However, a part of it was also for himself. As parabatai, sharing a soul, they shared their joy and their sorrow. As long as Jace was unhappy then Alec was unhappy. Even with being married to Magnus his joy was overshadowed by Jace’s sadness. One could not be truly happy unless the other was happy too. It was the essence of parabatai; one soul in two bodies.

Jace knew Alec had worried for him, worried if he would become reckless or even suicidal. However, despite the loss and the pain Jace had been ok. Knowing Clary was safe and happy meant he could go on and focus on caring for his parabatai, Izzy and his friends. He was ok, got through the days, he could even smile and joke, but he was never happy. A big part of Jace’s acceptance of the loss of Clary was that he felt he didn’t deserve happiness and he told Alec as much. Not after the stupid decisions and mistakes he had made that had all led them here. Clary was better off living a Mundane life, finding a new love and a new purpose.

Luke had helped Clary get settled in her new life as she believed him to be Mundane as only her Shadow World memories were gone. She had started painting and went to art school. She had friends and seemed ok. Alec, however, wasn’t swayed by Jace’s depressive insistence Clary was better off without him. He worked tirelessly to find a way to get Clary back safely.

* * * * * * * 

Like so many times before Jace had spent the evening observing Clary, wearing a glamour, hidden from her. However, this night, a year after it had happened, a year after she had lost her Shadow World memories, she had looked right at him, seen through his glamour, proving she was still Nephilim. As he had started talking with her, he was filled with hope. As soon as he had left Clary he had run straight to Alec. Magnus and Alec shared their time between a property in Alicante and Magnus’ flat in New York and thus Jace did the same as he lived with them. Even after he had gotten better, stronger, Magnus and Alec had both insisted he should stay with them, so he had. In hindsight he had been very grateful for that, more so than he even dared to admit.

At the moment Alec and Magnus were spending a few days at the New York flat as Alec had business at the Institute, making it easy for Jace to reach him tonight. 

“Alec! Alec!” Jace yelled joyfully as soon as he entered the loft.

“Yes, parabatai?” Alec said with a fond smile and a teasing eyeroll.

Alec was in the kitchen, cooking and Jace gave him a warm embrace as soon as he reached him.

Alec had taken up cooking as a hobby after he and Magnus had married, determined to create some great dishes for his husband and over time he had gotten amazing. Jace noticed the romantic table out on the balcony and was sure Magnus would love it when he returned from his meeting with his client.

“I saw Clary or rather she saw me! She saw through my glamour! It was amazing! And she remembered my name!” Jace told him excitedly, almost jumping up and down in joy as soon as the embrace ended.

Alec smiled warmly at him, occasionally stirring the pots as he said happily, “Good.”

Jace jumped up on the kitchen table next to where Alec was standing as he kept talking excitingly, “We went for a drink and talked. She remembered more and more. Not about the Shadow World but she remembered all of us, just without the Shadow World elements.”

“I’m so happy to hear that,” Alec said with a wide smile, briefly giving Jace’s nearest knee a comforting and supportive squeeze.

Jace nodded, feeling Alec’s joy for him in the bond, amplifying his own.

“I am taking her on a date on Tuesday,” Jace told him with a wide grin, taking a sip of Alec’s glass of red wine that he had standing on the kitchen table while he had been cocking.

“Sounds amazing,” Alec agreed as he went to the cupboard and got a second glass, pouring himself a new glass of wine.

Jace touched his glass to Alec’s in a joyful cheer and they both drank. Jace felt drunk on joy, the wine unable to compare with that.

“Wait…she thinks I’m Mundane! I need some cover story,” Jace realized, looking pleadingly at Alec.

“Military?” Alec suggested after a moment of reflection. “Would explain being vague about your job and when you have to go on missions. You can even call it a mission.”

Jace nodded, grinning as he proclaimed, “Yes. Perfect.”

“Oh, and you will need money to take her on that date and future dates,” Alec warned.

“Money?” Jace repeated with a frown.

They didn’t use money in Idris but sure; he knew Mundanes were into that. He had taken Clary to a few Mundane things before.

“They use that, Mundanes. Magnus has taught me all about it. Magnus is great with money and it means he’s very important in the Mundane world,” Alec told him proudly, his love and admiration for Magnus coming through in his words. He didn’t quite get this money thing either, but Magnus was apparently really good at it and he was proud of anything Magnus was good at.

“I don’t have any money. Fuck!” Jace admitted, panicking.

Alec gave him a reassuring smile as he went to a squared holder made from black leather lying on the kitchen table, Jace thought he had heard Magnus called it a wallet, and took out a lot of bills that said 100 on them.

“Here,” Alec said with a smile as he put the bills into Jace’s hand.

“Money?” Jace asked, looking at the many notes, aware they could look different.

They didn’t look that special, just like colored paper, but whatever. He had only really done this a handful of times before, paying for Mundane things, and it had been with Clary too and with money Magnus had given him too. He was unsure if this were a lot, if this would buy a good date but he had complete faith that Magnus had given him more than enough to treat his Biscuit well.

Alec nodded as he said proudly, “Yes. Magnus is very wealthy. It is very impressive in Mundane terms.”

“But I can’t take his money,” Jace protested.

“Of course, you can,” Alec insisted in a firm voice as he steered a pot and then took another sip of his wine.

Jace hesitated but then put the bills in his pocket, not seeing another way to get money.

“Thank you so much. I will thank Magnus too when he’s back,” Jace said gratefully.

Alec smiled fondly as he said, “I am simply happy you went to see Clary.”

There was something in Alec’s tone that made Jace suspicious.

“You had something to do with this, didn’t you?” Jace accused with an amazed and awed smile at his parabatai.

Alec grinned as he admitted, “Of course. I have worked all year to get her back to you, trying to figure out what the Angels would allow and what not and finally realized it was only her Shadow World memories they took. She is still Nephilim and should recall everything – without a Shadow World element and as long as it stays like that the deal with the Angels hold.”

Jace’s heart swelled with love as he jumped from the table to embrace Alec.

“Thank you so much, parabatai. I love you,” Jace said emotionally, his voice close to Alec’s ear.

“I love you too,” Alec assured him in a warm tone.

They smiled at each other as they pulled back, their shared love and joy running between them in a feedback loop, making them both feel high on happiness.

“I called Izzy on the way and I have promised her to drop by and fill her in on the latest development with Clary. Enjoy dinner with Magnus. I will sneak in later,” Jace said with a smile as he jumped down from the table.

“Give her my love,” Alec said.

“Of course,” Jace replied with a smile. He paused before he said appreciatively, “Thank you again so much for making this happen. Tomorrow you must tell me how you figured it all out but for now…thank you. You always know how to make me happy.”

“She’s for you as Magnus is for me,” Alec said with an easy smile as if that explained everything and likely it did.

Jace hugged him again as he said heartfelt, “Thank you for being there.”

“Likewise. I love you, parabatai and brother. Always,” Alec said warmly as they pulled apart.

“I love you too, parabatai. Brother. Always,” Jace told him with a soft smile.

They nodded at each other before Jace turned and left, both smiling, both still feeling the love, joy and happiness from each other echoing between them in the bond, heightening their joy and making them genuinely happy for the first time in a long time as it was the first time in a long time they were both truly and deeply happy.

A little later a portal opened in the entrance hall, signaling Magnus was home.

“Where are you, darling?” Magnus called out.

“In the kitchen,” Alec replied warmly, already smiling just at hearing his husband’s voice.

Alec’s eyes lit up with joy as Magnus came over and embraced him, giving him a loving and passionate kiss. When Alec turned and bent over the pots again, Magnus held around his waist from behind, putting his head on his shoulder, looking at the pots.

“Smells amazing,” Magnus told him warmly.

“Thank you,” Alec replied. He turned around in Magnus’ arms and put his hands around his neck as he said jubilantly, smiling widely, “It worked; we figured it out. Clary remembers everything, except the Shadow World elements.”

“I am so happy for them both,” Magnus said with a fond smile.

“Me too. I can feel Jace’s happiness in the bond,” Alec said relieved.

“Good. A happy parabatai is a happy husband,” Magnus said in a teasing tone but the love and care in his words were clear as he stroked Alec’s cheek tenderly, lovingly.

Alec leaned into the touch, smiling happily and briefly closing his eyes in bliss.

“Thank you for being so patient and understanding. Letting him stay here and helping to get Clary back,” Alec said seriously, looking at Magnus again as he spoke.

“Of course. I do like my Biscuit and he is half your soul. Besides…he kinda grows on you,” Magnus teased with a grin, making Alec smile at him.

“Thank you again,” Alec insisted heartfelt. “Oh, and I gave him the money for the date with Clary you had left here.”

Magnus smiled and nodded as he said, “Good.” He paused before he asked with a sexy purr, “Does this mean we can soon go on our honeymoon?”

“Bearing any other disasters; yes,” Alec agreed teasingly with a loving and eager smile.

Magnus kissed Alec’s neck by his deflect rune, making his husband moan softly.

“I am forbidding any more disasters. I have plans for you, husband,” Magnus whispered seductively.

Alec grinned as he pressed himself even closer against Magnus.

“I like the sound of that,” Alec admitted with a sexy smile and only the slightest hint of a blush on his cheeks.

“I love you, Alexander. Always,” Magnus said with a fond smile as he tightened his arms around his husband.

“I love you too,” Alec said affectionately, his eyes sparkling with happiness.

Magnus claimed his lips, the kiss passionate and loving. They forgot all about dinner, ending up in bed instead. However, having a Warlock husband meant that didn’t really matter as he could magically fix it all. 

When Jace got home that evening he was still glowing with happiness, his joy echoing back and forth in the parabatai bond as Alec’s joy did too, making them both happier than they had ever been in their lives. Jace found Alec and Magnus on the sofa, both sleeping, Alec snuggled close to Magnus, his head by his shoulder and Magnus’ arm around him, a happy smile still on his lips. With a fond look Jace took a blanket and put over them both before he quietly went to bed, smiling in his sleep as well.

Clary and Jace dated for months with Clary thinking Jace was Mundane, thinking she was the same. After almost a year Jace had proposed, making everyone go into overdrive at trying to figure out how to a wedding arranged without Clary knowing of the Shadow World. Luckily, the Angels finally seemed to take pity and allowed Clary access to all her memories, also her Shadow World memories. After that, the wedding planning was easy and a few months later they married in a grand ceremony in Alicante, with Alec being Jace’s best man of course.

In the years that followed Alec and Jace faced more challenges, but they remembered their vow to communicate and to go together or not at all. This helped them stay united, now aided by their partners. If the two of them had been invincible then the four of them were a force of nature. Jace and Alec never again repeated their past mistakes and always stayed close, keeping their vow to never leave the other behind. Ever.

They were different in many ways, Jace and Alec, and yet so similar in so many ways as well. They were brothers. Parabatai. One soul in two bodies. Forever. And that had made them stronger, better….whole.

Together or not at all. Always. 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed the story please leave a comment and/or kudos.  
> If you enjoyed the story you will likely enjoy these Malec stories with a focus on the brotherhood and parabatai bond between Alec and Jace:  
> Band of brothers series: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603762  
> Extinguishing A Fire With The Moisture From A Kiss: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24873199  
> Redefining Family: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23082442


End file.
